2016 Year in Review
The end of another year. Another moment for reflection.
My motto for 2016 was “you’re not in charge” and boy did God
hit me over the head with that reminder constantly. I need to pick a more
joyful motto next time. If you can’t tell, 2016 was a tough year for me. I
battled a lot of illness, physical pain, slow healing, sick animals, and 365
days of complete silence on the adoption front… Not to mention the plethora of
the really hard stuff going on in the world beyond my little bubble. All of it
really challenged me and I had to consistently fight to keep depression at bay.
I was reading my new year post from January and it was
so hopeful and full of a feeling of success. I wrote about how I amazingly felt
okay with not being in control. Turns out, it’s easy to be okay when you’re
still in the early stage of the expectations you’ve secretly established in
your heart. We had just finished the adoption approval process and I was okay with
not knowing when it would happen because deep down I had expectations that by the
end of 2016 we will have been united with our first child. As each month passed
by with no progress or news of any kind, I became increasingly not okay with
not being in control. Hello?! I HAVE A PLAN. I KNOW YOU KNOW MY PLAN, GOD. Why
are you messing with me?
When I don’t get my way, my brain has a field-day trying to
figure out why. Right now I’m convinced that one of us is about to be diagnosed
with some really terrible, terminal illness and will die soon and that’s why
this isn’t happening. Obviously.
I’ve been following a lot of adoption blogs and everyone seems to talk about the signs they get from God about their adoptive children. They magically
know in advance what they will look like, what their name will be, or I even
read that some birds followed this couple and built nests every place they lived,
until one day they moved somewhere where there wasn’t a spot for the birds to
build a nest so she knew their children would come home then (and they did). Seriously?!
Where’s my sign? I try to imagine the child’s face and I see nothing. I don’t
know what their name will be. I don’t have birds. I feel like a fool; like I bought
a lottery ticket and I actually expected to win the jackpot. The hardest part
is knowing that when it does happen, I know none of this will matter anymore
and a huge piece of our story will be revealed. I’m so curious and the
anticipation is killing me.
Anyway, my motto for 2017 is a quote by Elisabeth Elliot.
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| photo cred |
This whole adoption thing was brought about by faith and was
definitely planted in faith. I can’t
let doubt ruin it, I can’t be a wimp
in my faith and give up the minute things don’t go my way. Actually, if I take
a step back from being Debbie Downer, I have to acknowledge that in the moments
of the most doubt throughout this year God has faithfully given me little nudges.
Each time I felt like completely pulling the plug, someone I hadn’t talked to in
a while would contact me out of the blue with words and prayers of
encouragement. Perhaps those are my signs. They might not be as flashy as
birds, but it is something. In fact, those moments were everything to me. They felt
like water in the desert, giving me some reassurance that God is in this
process and that he doesn’t want me to give up.
All that to say, for 2017 I want to remain planted firm in my
faith. No more drama. You are fine. Brian’s not going to suddenly stop
breathing in his sleep. God does have a plan and you will have a child someday.
Trust God to do it well and to do it right.
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