I'm Back: Update Part I

I know it’s been a while and I’m happy to report that I do not have a brain tumor or early-onset Parkinson’s (at least, not to the point that it’s detectable by doctors; I’m not 100% convinced yet). What I did discover is that I was experiencing symptoms of silent reflux combined with a vitamin B12 deficiency. I was prescribed some acid reducing drugs and some supplements but after 3 days and doing some research I decided to forego the drugs and control the reflux with my diet (turns out, acid-reducing drugs can prevent your body from absorbing B12). Obviously my body was trying to tell me it didn’t like what I was feeding it so it seemed logical to handle it that way. I went on a very strict diet of low-acid foods, and if you are struggling with reflux I recommend this cookbook. I literally don’t know what I would have done without it. I really only ate from their recipes (minus the seafood dishes) for months and I found the recipes to be simple with reasonable and common ingredients. I am still using the recipes regularly even though I’m not as strict with my diet. I’m now introducing foods again to see if I can figure out what my specific triggers are and I’m really hoping chocolate, coffee, and peppermint are not off-limits forever.

The last 12 months of various ailments have caused me to realize that one of my biggest fears is chronic illness, and it was the reflux/B12 combo that pushed me over the edge. I spent a solid month feeling awful pre-diagnosis and nothing I did made it go away. After I was diagnosed, the doctors were right and it took a REALLY long time to see any results and for my body to heal. I felt like it might never go away and I have been feeling a lot of panic, depression, and stress. Now that I’m finally starting to feel better and am learning a new normal, I’m finding that the residual effects of that period of my life are hard to shake. Anytime I feel the slightest twinge of illness or pain (whether it’s connected or something else entirely) I instantly feel depressed and panicked that I’m doomed to live out the rest of my days like this. It’s no fun, for me or for my husband, and I’ve even found myself jealous of those who I learn have passed away because they know how it ends and don’t have to worry about it anymore. That’s healthy, right?   Kidding.

In church on Sunday, the sermon was on Isaiah 11:1-10 the rod of Jesse. Our pastor talked about how God caused a new shoot to come up from Jesse’s stump. He talked about how we can get lost in a sea of stumps, where all we see is a dead and lifeless land; but that God creates new life in the midst of it and it’s so easy to miss one little shoot in a forest of stumps. You really do have to pay attention. 

I really connected with that. This year has cut me down in a lot of ways. I have felt defeated and doomed (and again, I realize these are small ailments on the illness spectrum, but you should also know that I have slight hypochondriac tendencies and a distrust of doctors). Perhaps the new life in my stump is that this year has also been a resurgence of my faith. I sometimes wonder if Satan is trying to do all he can to stop my heart from its re-connection with scripture and God. All I have to say is that if all of this crap is his doing, he can suck it. Because all of this has only brought me closer to God. In those moments of despair, I’ve clung to Him and his Word because it was the only thing that worked to give me any inkling of hope.

I wrote about my experience reading the book Anything by Jennie Allen earlier this year. That book was a big turning point for me but now I’m realizing I have taken it too far. It really hit home that God may ask me to do hard things or to go through hardships, but now I’m noticing that I’m living my life in constant fear that he’s going to take everything away from me, all the while trying to convince myself to be completely okay with that prospect. At the end of the day, I seem to have forgotten that God is not out to get me. He loves us, he wants us to prosper and to find rest.

I hate that I tend to over-correct and can never seem to achieve perfect balance when it comes to my faith and my heart. I think I’m just too desperate to do things right. I want a formula. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it!! It’s really too bad life doesn’t work like that. To my great chagrin, no one can tell me the best way to live in 5 simple steps that apply in all circumstances. I think that in order to achieve this mystical balance, I need to live in the moment and adjust as necessary...which is hard to prepare for (my girl scout preparedness badge be damned).

In other news, thankfully there is other news. I will do another post with the more fun updates of what we’ve been up to since May. I'm sorry for droning on and on about my ailments and how I'm processing them. I realize it's not interesting to other people so if you made it this far, wow! And if you didn't make it this far, I'm not judging you nor am I disappointed in you (I know you're not reading this but I'm putting it out there anyway). I promise the next post will have pictures (not of my ailments, of fun stuff like travel and scenery and maybe some cute animals).