Dude, 2022 was Intense
I can’t believe it’s already May. Pretend it's still January and I'm on top of things. 😬
Every January I do a reflection post on the previous year, but this time around I just couldn’t fathom wrapping 2022 up in a succinct little package of ‘here is what I learned and how I grew’. Instead, I felt more inclined to map out the timeline of our second adoption and how I learned and grew throughout that process.So, this is the story about our big life event that occurred early spring 2022, when we met Bennet. It’s going to be long because I want to preserve the details for myself, before my mom-brain confiscates them and hides them in some back-brain drawer that I’ll never find again, the same place it stored my ability to remember what I did or said 14 minutes ago.
Here’s the TLDR (“Too Long Didn’t Read”) synopsis for those who don’t care about details: after 1 year and 3 months of process, we were chosen to parent a second child in March 2022… and then things went sideways for a long time…and then came back around.
Now for the long version:
Chapter 1: Process, Paperwork, Preparation
December 2019 - October 2020
First, travel back with me to 2019, the magical last year of ‘the before times’.
Since we had learned first-hand that the adoption process can take years, as soon as we finalized the adoption for Adley in March 2019 we made it our plan to start the process for adoption #2 around her first birthday in August. We were a few months late, but submitted our application and were accepted to begin the process in December 2019.
Three months later, the pandemic hit and that slowed us down quite a bit as we focused on adjusting to working from home with a toddler, but we finally completed all our checklists on October 31, 2020.
Upon checking off the final item on our lists, we were informed that our agency had not had many expectant mothers come to them to make adoption plans since the pandemic, so they were limiting their pool of families pretty drastically. What that meant for us was a long waitlist, potentially years. Discouraged, we prayed and explored some other options.
Wednesday, February 24, 2021
After 4 months of research and prayers, we signed a contract to work with a consultant out of Texas for the matching component. This would allow us to expand our opportunities to hear about more families choosing adoption and meant we would be matching with a family in another state. For those who are new to adoption, ‘matching’ means we opt to show our profile book about our family and an expectant mother feels a connection to us and selects us to parent her child.
I was nervous about crossing state lines, it felt overwhelming to likely have to significantly travel with very short notice, and then stay in a foreign place for an unknown length of time while awaiting clearance to leave. I repeatedly told myself that just because it felt scary didn’t mean I shouldn’t (or couldn’t) do it…
Chapter 2: The Wait
Thursday, July 15, 2021
It took us 5 months to complete the additional paperwork to meet the consultant’s requirements and we became a ‘waiting family’ with the consultant in July 2021. We subsequently did hear about many cases but almost all of them were in either Florida or Georgia, and all of them desired a family close-by (which we totally understood), so our chances of being chosen always felt very slim.
We felt like the odd folks out way over here in Colorado, and it started to feel increasingly discouraging with each new case.
Monday, January 24, 2022
Six months later, in early January 2022, our Colorado home study agency informed us it was time to renew our contract with them. Out of curiosity I asked if they had been able to open up their waiting pool since we originally talked and she said yes! She also said if we wanted to change our contract to have them be our agency again, we could do that and continue to work with the consultant as long as we didn’t present ourselves to more than one expectant mother at a time.
We were so excited at the thought of working with our agency closer to home so we jumped on the opportunity and by January 24, 2022 we were officially a ‘waiting family’ with our home agency.
Brian told me he felt an unspoken urgency to finish the necessary steps to get back on board with our home agency, and I wondered if maybe something was brewing…
Thursday, February 24, 2022
The next month, at the end of February 2022, our contract expiration date was approaching with the consultant in Texas. While they were really great to work with and were extremely supportive, we decided not to renew and instead decided to solely work with our local agency.
Wednesday, March 16, 2022
Less than 2 months after re-joining our original agency, we got our first case and it was marked urgent. We read about a little boy who had been born the day before in a nearby town and they needed to know right away who wanted to be considered. Brian and I felt like it was a no-brainer and immediately said yes to showing our book and I felt this super intense nervous energy. I figured since the baby was already born things would move fast and there was a good chance we’d have to drop everything to go get him in the next 24-48 hours. My heart rate would not. slow. down. Is my life about to change, or no?
After putting our daughter to bed that night, Brian & I talked about boy names because we had never really settled on one over the years. Every time we had talked about it, we always came back to Oliver James, but with hesitations. Our main issues were that Oliver seemed too popular, and O.J.S. would be his initials. We’re products of our 90’s generation (think: OJ Simpson) so it just didn’t sit well with us.
We agreed that for sure James was our favorite middle name, we remained tentative about Oliver, and figured it would come to us when it needed to.
Thursday, March 17, 2022
By the afternoon of the next day, we were informed that the case had gotten legally complicated and they needed to slow down a bit. The baby was moved into Cradle Care (a foster family took him temporarily while things got sorted out) and the agency said they would get their ducks in a row and send a new profile notification with the new information the next day (Friday). Families could then re-decide if they wanted to be considered in light of the new complexities.
Friday, March 18, 2022
The updated information came out as promised and we still felt absolutely no hesitation about being considered, even with the added legal risks and projected extra legal costs. I wrote in my journal:
I know it’s because the baby is still a figment in my mind, but I feel so much peace about saying yes and letting God work out the details if we’re chosen. I think I can love that baby well even while knowing he could end up leaving us. I realize I say that now when I don’t know him and we haven’t bonded yet…
The agency gave everyone the weekend to think it over and our responses were due on Monday at 9am. We didn’t wait, immediately said yes, and then settled in to wait for an update.While we were waiting, I discovered that Adley was only interested in playing with Brian’s mom, who was visiting, and I suddenly found myself with more ‘me time’ than I’d had in about 3 years. I wrote this in my journal:
Today Adley only wanted to play with Donna all day. Any time I would go in the play room she would hold up her hand and say, “Mama, we need space. Can you go?”. I was left twiddling my thumbs! I went to Target, did yoga, played the piano…I felt a bit like myself pre-mom and it was kind of nice to see her again. When I realized that, I chuckled to myself and thought, “aaaand, cue a new baby”. It seems like whenever I finally start to get in a good groove, life likes to throw me a curveball. I have moments when I feel so CERTAIN that we will be picked for this case!
That time to myself was such a gift and I’m still so grateful I had those revitalizing hours before everything changed again. God is in the details…
Chapter 3: The Match!
Wednesday, March 23, 2022
Yes, you read that date right. The weekend came and went and by Wednesday we still hadn’t heard anything. I always anticipate it will (understandably) take time for a family to pick strangers to parent their child so I wasn’t all that surprised, but by this time I was feeling even more certain that we would be picked. In fact, I was feeling so certain that I emailed HR in the morning to let them know I’d likely be going on leave very soon and I gave my boss a heads up that it could happen any second.
Meanwhile, our CPR certification had expired and we had our skills check scheduled for that afternoon. Brian and I walked over to the county building to meet with the sheriff, Smokey. I’m going to take a moment to give a shout-out to Smokey, who was amazingly kind. Due to the pandemic, our usual place wasn’t holding in-person CPR classes anymore and in my research I ended up getting connected with him. I told him what we needed and why and he dropped everything to arrange for a special session just for us. It turns out he was an adoptive father and knew how challenging it could be to get all the things done for the adoption process and he wanted to help.
In the middle of showing off our chest compressions and mumbling Staying Alive, my phone rang and I saw our caseworker’s name on my screen. I gasped and apologized to Smokey that I needed to take the call. I left the room and our case worker told me the exciting news that we’d been picked! I caught myself almost responding with, “I know!”
I was filled with nervous excitement as I grabbed Brian and told him the good news. I put her on speaker and she gave us some of the details. The first thing she told us was, “the baby’s name is Bennet James”.
We looked at each other with wide-eyed smiles and told her “Hey! James was the middle name we were set on! But we hadn’t settled on a first name." She explained that his mother immediately picked Bennet but didn’t have a middle name in mind. When the hospital told her to pick something for the birth certificate, James randomly popped into her mind. We loved the name Bennet (but never would have come up with that on our own), so it was kismet.
[moment of silence for you to enjoy your goosebumps]
Our next step was to have a zoom call the following day with Bennet’s mom so we could get to know each other. If she still felt good about her decision after meeting us then we could arrange to go get him from his cradle care home. We finished our CPR paperwork, excitedly thanked Smokey for his time, he congratulated us, and we skipped back to work to tell our bosses and HR the news.
We snuck over to Target before going home at the end of the day to frantically find a ‘big sister’ gift for Adley. It turns out our Target doesn’t really do ‘big sister’ stuff. We desperately went to our Target apps so we could do a more thorough search online and found one little book about how to be a big sister in stock. We bought it and raced home to share the news with Adley and Brian’s mom.
Thursday, March 24, 2022
Our zoom call the next day with Bennet’s mom went really well. We felt so much peace and a connection with her. Our caseworker told us she felt the same way after the conversation so we were good to arrange to go get Bennet. With this having been a last-minute adoption plan, the trick was that our caseworker was hours away from going on vacation and a caseworker was required to be there to process the paperwork. This meant the agency needed to find someone else who could step in (Bennet was staying a good many miles away from all the other caseworkers). We started an email discussion with the agency and the foster parents and were able to arrange for everyone to be there on Sunday, March 27th. That meant we had a couple days to prepare, which was such a gift, even though I was SO anxious to go get him and get the party started.
Friday-Saturday, March 25-26, 2022
We spent most of the weekend in the crawl space digging out all the baby gear, while Adley began her (turns out long-lived) regression into wanting to be a baby again.
 |
| She wanted to be swaddled |
I savored some quiet moments sitting on our porch in the spring sunshine, while mentally preparing for the days ahead. I felt eerily calm and ready.
Chapter 4: Bringing Home Baby!
Sunday, March 27, 2022
The day was finally here and Bennet was almost 2 weeks old already!
Bennet was staying with a family in Hayden, CO, a couple hours north. We loaded the car and dropped Adley off for a sleepover at my parents on our way out of town. Brian’s mom stayed at our house to be available to help us when we got back that evening. She had been scheduled to go home days before, but her flight got canceled...twice. It was like God wanted her to meet Bennet or something. 😏
The route we drove took us through Rifle, CO so we stopped at Dunkin Donuts to treat ourselves to celebratory donuts. When you live in a rural area, stuff like that is less readily-available and feels exciting, even though if I’m perfectly honest, I don’t think Dunkin Donuts are great donuts…but they get the job done.
During the whole drive I couldn’t get over how calm I felt. It was such a 180 from how I felt the first time. I kept waiting for the panic to rear its ugly head…maybe it was thanks to all the therapy I had done for my anxiety this year (10/10 recommend therapy).
We arrived at the foster family’s home about an hour prior to the caseworker so we could get to know them and learn about their time with Bennet. They were such lovely people. He was born 6 lbs 7.5 oz and he was a little peanut when they brought him to us. I admit some of my calm evaporated as I held him and realized I did not know him at all. I mentally tried to keep track of all the information they were giving us about his first days as I stared at him and tried to get to know him. The caseworker arrived, we signed a few papers and then packed up his stuff and started our journey home. I sat in the back with him and suddenly the drive home felt like an eternity.
By then it was around 2pm so Brian asked me where I wanted to get lunch. My gut reaction was “We don’t have time to stop for lunch!” I wanted so badly to just get home and get situated, but my tummy was rumbling so we grabbed some drive thru Taco Bell to eat in the parking lot.
Every noise he made was unfamiliar, he was so unfamiliar, and I started to feel very uncomfortable with the lack of routine and familiarity. I had completely forgotten about that part of welcoming a new baby…
We finally arrived home, the process of settling in began, and we got reacquainted with the every 2 hour feeding schedule. Aside from the frequent feedings, he slept great in between and was so calm in those early days.
Monday, March 28, 2022
The next day my parents drove Adley home to meet her little brother. She was so excited to see us and to meet him. It was very sweet to watch her gaze at him lovingly and my heart almost exploded.
Wednesday, March 30, 2022
That first week some friends came by to meet Bennet and they brought us a gift. My friend said she had bought it for herself and had just recently hung it on her wall, but every time she looked at it she heard audibly in her mind, “Brian & Jaime”. She got so annoyed she took it down and wrapped it to give us and she said for some reason we are supposed to have it. I opened it and it was a simple wall hanging that says, “God is faithful”. I was touched, and I always cherish it when God seems to speak to us in tangible ways. Little did I know what a harbinger that gift would be of what we would need to remember during what was to come.
Sunday, April 10, 2022
We had our 2 week visit with our case worker and we learned some more details about what transpired as Bennet’s mom was looking at profiles. Since we had just switched to the agency, it turns out the caseworker hadn’t received our profile book yet when the original notification went out. We had a mini-profile on their website that she could access but ultimately, Bennet’s mom picked a different family!
Once things got more legally complicated, that family opted out of the situation, and by that time our book had made it across the state to the caseworker. It was then included with the other families who wanted to be considered with the added legal complication, and she picked us!
What I get from knowing all of that information is that nothing can thwart God. In fact, with both of our adoption stories, we were not the first pick due to the timing of when we were finalized (i.e. we either weren’t approved yet or our final paperwork hadn’t gotten where it needed to be yet), but here we are. I immediately thought of the “God is faithful” banner my friend gave us. Faithful indeed!
About this time Bennet stopped being a round-the-clock calm baby. It was apparent he was having tummy issues and he had 2 witching hours, one at around 6pm and one at 4am. Don't get me wrong, he was still super sweet, pretty calm, and snuggly the other times, but he would have random bouts of painful gas and the days started to consist of me dreading gas and the two witching hours; he felt like a ticking time-bomb.
I had read that the witching hours usually start to resolve by 6 weeks but that six week mark felt like it was something we would never reach. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that we did, however, make it, and like clock-work by week 7 he was a much happier baby who not only smiled, but smiled big. All. The. Time. He transformed into a truly delightful little baby and those witching days felt like a fuzzy little blip in the past (funny how that works).
Chapter 5: Unexpected News & God’s Unending Faithfulness
June 3, 2022 Friday
We were going along for a couple months, adjusting to being a family of four and falling in love with Bennet, when we got a call from our caseworker and she gave us an update on Bennet’s case that felt like a bomb. Trying not to share details that aren’t mine to share, a new development had occurred that made things exponentially more complex. No one knew how it would play out or what the timeline would be, but what it came down to was that there was an even bigger reason the adoption could be disrupted and it was something we hadn’t exactly anticipated. My heart almost fell out of my butt and the tears instantly came.
I know they initially warned us it was a riskier adoption than most and I said I felt peace about loving him for as long as we could, but that was when he was a figment of my imagination! Now he was a baby I had been caring for, he was part of our family. We had worked through the hard nights and his early gastro-issues, his crying, and witching hours, and we had really bonded. He would seek me out in a room. I knew him, what he liked, what he didn’t like, we had routines… I was definitely attached and the thought of losing him made me completely sick. After a few follow-up calls, we learned there would be a status hearing on August 10th. They said we should learn more about the next steps after that. My immediate reaction was: not until August?! Good grief!
About this same time, we also started to be affected by the national formula shortage. I hadn’t initially had any issues finding the gentle formula that Bennet needed but then all of a sudden the local shelves and online resources went completely dry. First we drove 30 miles west to get some, the next time 50 miles east to get more, but then I started to feel really panicked about how we would feed Bennet going forward because nothing was being restocked. It’s very humbling to realize how at the mercy you are at companies to provide food for your child.
I prayed and finally surrendered to the lack of control I had over this and told God I would simply trust him to provide. That next day was Sunday and a friend who had had a baby about 2 weeks before Bennet was born came up to me after church and asked me if I was affected by the shortage. I told her how we were now struggling to find the formula we needed but so far had been able to drive to neighboring places to get it. She said she produced a lot of breastmilk and it would bless her to give us some to help supplement the formula. I immediately started crying as I thanked her. How amazing is that gift? I was so grateful for a tangible answer to my prayer.
The little cherry on top was when we got home and I asked Adley what story they talked about in Sunday School. She said it was the story about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I chuckled to myself and thought, “OK, I see you, God”. And from that point on I truly stopped worrying if we’d be able to feed Bennet. I just knew God would provide Bennet’s daily bread, and He did, because once again, that banner speaks the truth and God is totally faithful.
June 28, 2022, Tuesday
It felt like there were updates and new happenings weekly that made the situation continuously more complex and uncomfortable. I was a nervous wreck, crying at random moments throughout each week. In a nutshell, it was now a contested adoption and a biological family member didn’t want him to be adopted. I often told Brian I was at a complete loss and saw no way for this to resolve well. Not only was it complicated but the legal expenses just kept growing. Brian joked in one of our calls with the agency that maybe he should just set up a direct deposit with the attorney’s office. And then God injected a little hope with yet another tangible gift…
When Bennet was placed with us and we were told the legal fees would be higher than usual, Brian applied for an adoption grant to help cover the extra legal costs. We didn’t have high hopes of being awarded anything and we both kind of forgot about it after submitting it.
On June 28th I got home from work and Brian grabbed my hand and guided me over to the “God is faithful” banner on our wall and just pointed at it. I stood there waiting, wondering what he was getting at. Adley had come down with a fever earlier that day so I thought he was trying to tell me to not worry about her being sick, but then he pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. I opened it only to find a letter from the adoption grant entity congratulating us because they had selected us as recipients of grant money. Not only that, but the amount they awarded us ended up being double what we had asked for! My jaw literally dropped. With the legal complexity having grown so much since the initial estimate we got, it felt like God was handing us what we needed to help cover the unexpected legal fees. Our “God is faithful” banner was quickly becoming a treasured possession for me as we walked this road.
We had our 2 week visit with our case worker and we learned some more details about what transpired as Bennet’s mom was looking at profiles. Since we had just switched to the agency, it turns out the caseworker hadn’t received our profile book yet when the original notification went out. We had a mini-profile on their website that she could access but ultimately, Bennet’s mom picked a different family!
Once things got more legally complicated, that family opted out of the situation, and by that time our book had made it across the state to the caseworker. It was then included with the other families who wanted to be considered with the added legal complication, and she picked us!
What I get from knowing all of that information is that nothing can thwart God. In fact, with both of our adoption stories, we were not the first pick due to the timing of when we were finalized (i.e. we either weren’t approved yet or our final paperwork hadn’t gotten where it needed to be yet), but here we are. I immediately thought of the “God is faithful” banner my friend gave us. Faithful indeed!
About this time Bennet stopped being a round-the-clock calm baby. It was apparent he was having tummy issues and he had 2 witching hours, one at around 6pm and one at 4am. Don't get me wrong, he was still super sweet, pretty calm, and snuggly the other times, but he would have random bouts of painful gas and the days started to consist of me dreading gas and the two witching hours; he felt like a ticking time-bomb.
I had read that the witching hours usually start to resolve by 6 weeks but that six week mark felt like it was something we would never reach. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that we did, however, make it, and like clock-work by week 7 he was a much happier baby who not only smiled, but smiled big. All. The. Time. He transformed into a truly delightful little baby and those witching days felt like a fuzzy little blip in the past (funny how that works).
June 3, 2022 Friday
We were going along for a couple months, adjusting to being a family of four and falling in love with Bennet, when we got a call from our caseworker and she gave us an update on Bennet’s case that felt like a bomb. Trying not to share details that aren’t mine to share, a new development had occurred that made things exponentially more complex. No one knew how it would play out or what the timeline would be, but what it came down to was that there was an even bigger reason the adoption could be disrupted and it was something we hadn’t exactly anticipated. My heart almost fell out of my butt and the tears instantly came.
I know they initially warned us it was a riskier adoption than most and I said I felt peace about loving him for as long as we could, but that was when he was a figment of my imagination! Now he was a baby I had been caring for, he was part of our family. We had worked through the hard nights and his early gastro-issues, his crying, and witching hours, and we had really bonded. He would seek me out in a room. I knew him, what he liked, what he didn’t like, we had routines… I was definitely attached and the thought of losing him made me completely sick. After a few follow-up calls, we learned there would be a status hearing on August 10th. They said we should learn more about the next steps after that. My immediate reaction was: not until August?! Good grief!
About this same time, we also started to be affected by the national formula shortage. I hadn’t initially had any issues finding the gentle formula that Bennet needed but then all of a sudden the local shelves and online resources went completely dry. First we drove 30 miles west to get some, the next time 50 miles east to get more, but then I started to feel really panicked about how we would feed Bennet going forward because nothing was being restocked. It’s very humbling to realize how at the mercy you are at companies to provide food for your child.
I prayed and finally surrendered to the lack of control I had over this and told God I would simply trust him to provide. That next day was Sunday and a friend who had had a baby about 2 weeks before Bennet was born came up to me after church and asked me if I was affected by the shortage. I told her how we were now struggling to find the formula we needed but so far had been able to drive to neighboring places to get it. She said she produced a lot of breastmilk and it would bless her to give us some to help supplement the formula. I immediately started crying as I thanked her. How amazing is that gift? I was so grateful for a tangible answer to my prayer.
The little cherry on top was when we got home and I asked Adley what story they talked about in Sunday School. She said it was the story about Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish. I chuckled to myself and thought, “OK, I see you, God”. And from that point on I truly stopped worrying if we’d be able to feed Bennet. I just knew God would provide Bennet’s daily bread, and He did, because once again, that banner speaks the truth and God is totally faithful.
It felt like there were updates and new happenings weekly that made the situation continuously more complex and uncomfortable. I was a nervous wreck, crying at random moments throughout each week. In a nutshell, it was now a contested adoption and a biological family member didn’t want him to be adopted. I often told Brian I was at a complete loss and saw no way for this to resolve well. Not only was it complicated but the legal expenses just kept growing. Brian joked in one of our calls with the agency that maybe he should just set up a direct deposit with the attorney’s office. And then God injected a little hope with yet another tangible gift…
When Bennet was placed with us and we were told the legal fees would be higher than usual, Brian applied for an adoption grant to help cover the extra legal costs. We didn’t have high hopes of being awarded anything and we both kind of forgot about it after submitting it.
On June 28th I got home from work and Brian grabbed my hand and guided me over to the “God is faithful” banner on our wall and just pointed at it. I stood there waiting, wondering what he was getting at. Adley had come down with a fever earlier that day so I thought he was trying to tell me to not worry about her being sick, but then he pulled an envelope out of his back pocket. I opened it only to find a letter from the adoption grant entity congratulating us because they had selected us as recipients of grant money. Not only that, but the amount they awarded us ended up being double what we had asked for! My jaw literally dropped. With the legal complexity having grown so much since the initial estimate we got, it felt like God was handing us what we needed to help cover the unexpected legal fees. Our “God is faithful” banner was quickly becoming a treasured possession for me as we walked this road.
August 10, 2022, Wednesday
The long-awaited status hearing occurred the morning of August 10th and we anxiously prayed and waited for an update since we were not invited to the hearings. Our caseworker called and…
She told us it lasted all of 5 minutes, nothing was discussed due to a lack of legal representation for certain parties, and there would be another hearing in about a month, which ended up being set for September 26th. Wah-wah.
To say we were disappointed was an understatement. There were at least 5 things we were hoping to get clarity on and instead we were left just as clueless as we were before the hearing? I was very annoyed. What a waste of time and emotional energy.
Meanwhile, our adoption agency connected us to another couple who had a similar situation to ours so we could talk with them and maybe find some encouragement. We had a phone call and they confirmed that most status hearings in their experience were non-productive, which was very helpful to know. I had put a LOT of stock and energy into that August 10th date. The other couple also shared that their case took over a year to be resolved, so I took a disappointed sigh and tried to settle in for a long haul. I kept telling people it felt like I was running a marathon but I had no idea what mile I was at. I could only have 1 mile left… or have 25 freaking miles to go…As a person who likes to know the plan, this felt like torture.
Despite the disappointing hearing, we were surprised to get updates from the attorney later that week on some smaller pieces we were waiting on and we were thankful to learn that not everything had to wait for a status hearing to be determined.
One piece of good news was that the original focus of legal complexity seemed to have resolved with no legal ramifications, so at least we didn't need to worry about that one anymore!
September 11, 2022, Sunday
I was sitting in church before the service started when the treasurer came up to me, handed me an envelope and simply said, “God bless” and walked away. I opened it to find a substantial check addressed to us marked, “For Bennet’s adoption”.
September 11, 2022, Sunday
I was sitting in church before the service started when the treasurer came up to me, handed me an envelope and simply said, “God bless” and walked away. I opened it to find a substantial check addressed to us marked, “For Bennet’s adoption”.
As Adley likes to say, “What the heck?!”
Thinking it was a gift from the church, I thanked our pastor but he apologized for the confusion and told me that it was an anonymous gift from a congregant. They had put it in the offering basket with instructions to anonymously designate it for Bennet’s adoption. I was floored.
I’ll tell you what, people. We want our lives to go swimmingly with no obstacles, and we can get a bit offended when things don’t go our way (speaking for myself here), but goodness is it something special to be walking through really challenging things and repeatedly experience how God and our community rallies behind us and supports us. If things always went our way, I think we’d blindly walk along thinking we have everything under control and completely miss out on these gifts.
I'm not saying I want hard things to happen, but I’m learning to lean in when things get rough, to trust the process of our lives, and am learning to feel confident that God wastes nothing. Even when I cannot see any possible redemptive path through the mire, I can trust that God can, and will, find a way…and not only a way, but the best way. We just need to surrender it all to Him.
The second status hearing was short but more productive than I expected and they set the trial date for December 16th. The trial was the big kahuna event, where the court decides whether or not the adoption could continue. While I felt grateful to have a date to plan around, the odd thing was that, somewhere along the way, I got comfortable being in “the wilderness”, as I had started calling it.
I initially was incredibly anxious for a resolution, champing at the bit for things to be resolved, but then at some point I became nervous about moving on to what comes next. At least in the wait we’d still have Bennet with us. What if the resolution is devastating? It’s terribly uncomfortable wondering if one of the worst days of your life is around the next bend. But even so, what if it’s not devastating for us and it is for someone else? If the adoption goes through, that means a family is legally being severed in many ways and it doesn’t feel good to ask and hope for that. In the end, someone walks out of that trial upset.
I got to the point where I didn’t even know what to pray anymore. Adoption is incredibly complex and nuanced and I don’t pretend to know what’s best for anyone. I only knew about 1% of Bennet’s story before he came to us, but God knew every detail, so I decided the only thing I could do was ask the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf. I simply wanted Bennet to be well and to thrive. I certainly hoped we could be the place for him to do so, but just because we love him and would give him a different life doesn’t always mean it’d be a better life for him. My main prayer became for things to simply be the way they needed to be for Bennet’s sake, and for all parties involved to feel peace in that.
I continuously searched my heart to see if I could feel God prompting me to let Bennet go and I just never felt it. Bennet and I bonded really early. I remember singing to him when he was only weeks old and he would smile like the sun. In my heart, he felt like my son. I more so felt that God was asking me to sit tight and trust Him while these things got worked out. Again and again, I was brought back to that “God is faithful” banner. That was a direct message from God to us, He knew we would need it to get us through this unexpected whirlwind and I tried my hardest to rest in that. The one thing that continuously kept me from being totally at rest is the fact that God is faithful even when things don’t go the way we want them to. In other words, God’s faithfulness is never a guarantee we will get our way…
November 1, 2022, Tuesday
There was an important deposition for Bennet’s case on this day. Funnily enough (or not, actually), a giant crane fell on our house about 4 days prior and our thoughts were so consumed with the aftermath of that, we joked that we almost forgot about the deposition. We didn’t get to attend any of the court hearings so we waited to hear how things went and the overarching sentiment was that they felt it confirmed a lot of things and provided evidence to support Bennet’s adoption moving forward. Our caseworker said, “you could feel God’s protection over Bennet in that room”. After that update, it was the first time I had felt peace about everything in a long time.
Chapter 6: The Trial
December 16, 2022, Friday
The big trial date was here. I told people it felt like we had been doing a group project and we had done our part, and now our other group members were going to do the final presentation and we just had to wait and hope they did okay.
I had been doing a bible study for advent and it was so apropos to focus on waiting for God during the wait for the trial. Every day it felt like God was speaking directly to my heart. For example, on December 4th my reading was Isaiah 35:2
The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad; the desert shall rejoice and blossom like the crocus; it shall blossom abundantly and rejoice with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the majesty of Carmel and Sharon. They shall see the glory of the Lord, the majesty of our God.
I read it quickly and got nothing out of it, but then went back to read it slowly and it gave me goosebumps. I’d been referring to this wait as ‘the wilderness’ and to read that the wilderness shall be glad, that it will blossom abundantly and rejoice with joy and singing… just gave me a flood of hope.
We also have such an amazing support system praying for Bennet. I had posted daily prayer requests leading up to the trial and on the day of the trial I was invited to join a text prayer group that was going to pray via text for an hour the morning of the trial. When the group leader sent the first text to establish the group, she wrote,
We also have such an amazing support system praying for Bennet. I had posted daily prayer requests leading up to the trial and on the day of the trial I was invited to join a text prayer group that was going to pray via text for an hour the morning of the trial. When the group leader sent the first text to establish the group, she wrote,
“Here’s all of Bennet’s prayer team. Welcome everyone, I’ll text at 7”
That text made me smile, it sounded in my mind like “We ride at dawn”. I’m not kidding when I say my phone buzzed every 2 minutes for that hour as people shared scripture and prayers for Bennet and all involved, in addition to all the messages and texts I got from other people with their prayers all day, I was moved to tears. I told people this is both the worst thing I’ve experienced and also the coolest. It has been so profoundly moving to see God and His people surround Bennet and our divinely grafted family with love and prayer. There’s nothing like it and I give God the glory.
We felt pretty calm most of the day, which I quickly learned was only because early on we knew we wouldn’t hear anything for a while. By 3:30pm Brian and I were getting pretty antsy. Thankfully, our agency was sending us periodic text updates, but as the clock creeped closer to 5pm, we started to feel more deflated. The last witness finished and both sides waived their closing argument, ending the trial at 5:20pm. It was too late for the judge to issue a verdict so he gave both sides until December 30th to submit their written proposals, which meant we wouldn’t know anything more until January. Wah-wah.
We were mostly relieved because at least it wasn't bad news for us, but as the high emotions from the week and day started to wane, I felt more and more disappointed. Despite my attempts to stay level-headed and to prepare for every outcome, I did have an expectation that we would at least finish out the year with an answer. I had to allow myself to grieve the loss of that happening, to allow myself to feel disappointed, and then focus on what I was thankful for. I was thankful that nothing changed in our day-to-day life, that I knew Bennet would be with us for Christmas, and I was continuously thankful for the truth that God wastes nothing and His timing is perfect. I could rest, knowing that ultimately it was all happening exactly the way it needed to…
December 17, 2022 Saturday
We felt pretty calm most of the day, which I quickly learned was only because early on we knew we wouldn’t hear anything for a while. By 3:30pm Brian and I were getting pretty antsy. Thankfully, our agency was sending us periodic text updates, but as the clock creeped closer to 5pm, we started to feel more deflated. The last witness finished and both sides waived their closing argument, ending the trial at 5:20pm. It was too late for the judge to issue a verdict so he gave both sides until December 30th to submit their written proposals, which meant we wouldn’t know anything more until January. Wah-wah.
We were mostly relieved because at least it wasn't bad news for us, but as the high emotions from the week and day started to wane, I felt more and more disappointed. Despite my attempts to stay level-headed and to prepare for every outcome, I did have an expectation that we would at least finish out the year with an answer. I had to allow myself to grieve the loss of that happening, to allow myself to feel disappointed, and then focus on what I was thankful for. I was thankful that nothing changed in our day-to-day life, that I knew Bennet would be with us for Christmas, and I was continuously thankful for the truth that God wastes nothing and His timing is perfect. I could rest, knowing that ultimately it was all happening exactly the way it needed to…
We knew that our caseworker and Bennet’s birthmom would be driving back from the trial this day and that they would be passing by our town on their way home. Bennet’s birthmom was constantly on my mind. She had had to do so many hard things that week to fight for what she felt was best for Bennet. If I put myself in her shoes, I thought it would be really nice to get to see Bennet after being so brave for him so I texted them and told them they were more than welcome to stop by on their way home for a break and to see him. They jumped at the opportunity and it has become such a core memory for me.
Listen, adoption is so not what I initially imagined when I took my first step into this world over 10 years ago. While it’s exponentially more heartbreaking than I anticipated, it’s also exponentially more beautiful. To be one of two mothers for a child is a weight I feel daily, not a bad weight, it’s just a weight of responsibility. No one is meant to be separated from their mother, and we live in a complex world where things don’t always go the way nature intended. On the other side of the triad, I chose adoption as a vehicle to build a family when biology failed us. The resulting love I have for my children is so deep, it’s unquestionably deep enough to extend to their birth families as well, especially their birthmothers.
I will never, ever replace their first moms. The first sounds they heard were not my voice or my heartbeat in the womb; that’s a bond that will stay with them forever and I will do my best to nurture that connection in whatever way makes sense at each phase of the journey. It brings me joy to find opportunities for them to spend time together, which I find to be so beautiful. And what I mean by that is that the growth I’ve experienced throughout this process is beautiful. If you told me in 2012 that I would adopt 2 children and communicate regularly with the birth moms/families and invite them to my house, I would have thought you were NUTS. Certifiably insane, even. That does not sound like something I would do in a million years, but kids have this way of breaking down your walls and giving you clarity on what is important in life. I really do think kids have the ability to instill super powers in their parents, giving them the ability to do things they never thought they could. I guess that super power is true, selfless love.
December 30, 2022, Friday
We got an update from our attorneys that after the December 30th deadline, there would not need to be another hearing. The judge would review on his own and submit his order. We were told that while they didn’t know what day that would happen, juvenile cases are prioritized and they would hope to have the order within one week. I was pleasantly surprised to hear that it could happen that quickly!
It felt like we were back full-circle to how this all began…waiting for a phone call any day/hour/minute/second that could change everything.
Tuesday, January 24, 2023
24 days and counting…Still no news on the trial (I realllly wished they never told me they expected to hear within a week). We were no longer anxiously awaiting a phone call at this point; however, we did get a surprise notification that a church connected with our agency because they had grant funds available for an adoptive family with unexpected expenses. The agency told them about us and they decided to send the agency a substantial amount of money to help us, no further questions or application required! Our jaws literally dropped. This church is about 4 hours away from us and doesn’t know us at all. The real goosebumps are that we had received our highest bill for the legal expenses tied to the trial the previous week, and the grant amount covered all of that, with a little left over!
I can’t really find the right words to accurately explain to others what it’s like to experience God so tangibly during a hard journey. I can only sum it up by saying that I have literally experienced the truth of the Bible. The Bible repeatedly tells us not to fear, that we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, that there is rejoicing in suffering, that God is faithful and will never leave us, that God is good no matter what… Glory be!
I recently saw a quote online that said, “I’ve still got joy in chaos. I’ve got peace that makes no sense” and that felt like a good way to sum up this whole experience.
Wednesday, February 1, 2023
We got THE CALL early on February 1st. The judge’s ruling was submitted and his order meant the adoption could carry forward! My heart was pounding for a good hour and I kept beaming at Bennet, clapping and woo-hooing. What. a. relief.
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| Family pic from that day |
I quickly learned I was deep in the habit of worrying about everything, even when I didn’t realize I was worrying. It had become a constant hum in my body that most days blended into the daily noise and other days felt like it would consume me, but suddenly the hum was silenced and I was able to take a true deep breath for the first time in 8 months.
In the weeks that followed I found myself with the mental space and energy to do almost silly, simple things again, like bake, or wear extra jewelry. I had been mentally in survival mode for so long, it felt so nice to think ahead or to add a little flair to my life.
We found out that there is a 49 day appeal period after a verdict so we would not be able to finalize the adoption until after March 21st. I felt 97% relieved, but 3% of me was still on edge, wondering if there would be an appeal that would drag this on even longer…
Wednesday, March 8, 2023
We got our finalization hearing date and I’ll tell you that was the most exciting email I received in a very long time! Our hearing was set for April 7th. It felt so good to have a date to look forward to and to plan a celebration for our family that God has knit together.
In the weeks that followed I found myself with the mental space and energy to do almost silly, simple things again, like bake, or wear extra jewelry. I had been mentally in survival mode for so long, it felt so nice to think ahead or to add a little flair to my life.
Wednesday, March 8, 2023
We got our finalization hearing date and I’ll tell you that was the most exciting email I received in a very long time! Our hearing was set for April 7th. It felt so good to have a date to look forward to and to plan a celebration for our family that God has knit together.
Wednesday March 15, 2023
Bennet turned a year old! I found myself in random moments of weepiness all month, simply because for so long I didn’t know if I would get front row seats to see him turn 1. I was so grateful to be able to celebrate his big milestone and make him feel special.
While this story is my perspective and my experience, I always want to be mindful that adoption is both/and. It’s both full of celebration and full of grief. As we came up on a year after his birth, I was fondly reminiscing about getting the notification of his birth, remembering excitedly waiting to hear, and bringing him home. But there’s inherently another side to that story. I can’t speak for Bennet’s birthmom, but I can imagine her memories of his upcoming birthday and his adoption placement may bring more complex feelings. I want to acknowledge it because it’s not just about me. So often adoption is only told or seen through the adoptive parent’s lens, but it is three-fold. Each side has a different perspective and feelings that are valid, Bennet included. He experienced separation from the only voice and heartbeat he knew a year ago. While he’s too young now to have that experience land in a tangible way, someday he’ll be bringing his own perspective and feelings to the table surrounding his adoption and my goal is to be there to sit with him in those feelings, no matter what they are, and support him in any way I can.
Chapter 8: Finalization
Monday, April 3, 2023 - Thursday, April 6, 2023
We had probably the worst windstorm I've ever experienced in my life on Monday night. It was pretty nerve wracking and I kept looking out the window at all the giant trees around us, whipping around like twigs. I especially paid attention to my neighbor’s giant (like, GIANT) spruce tree and said to myself, I really hope that one doesn’t fall over. I went to my room, sat on my bed to write in my journal and SNAP! BANG! SPARKS! and the power went out. I raced to the window to see what happened and wouldn’t you know it, that very spruce tree had freaking fallen over! It took our powerline down with it, all the way to the ground. Heart pounding, I yelled for Brian and he called 911. The fire fighters checked to make sure the power lines were not a fire danger and the power company spent almost all night working on a temporary fix to, thankfully, restore power by 2am. Mostly we were all just glad the tree completely missed the houses around it.
Honestly, after the year we had of things coming out of left field, this felt pretty on-brand.
Friday, April 7, 2023
Surrounded by family and friends (literally- we had around 17 people join us in person and around 28 people join us virtually!), at 1:30pm we confirmed information about ourselves and promised to take care of him in front of a magistrate and under oath. The whole event took about 7 minutes and then, just like that, we legally became a family of 4 and Bennet took our last name.
Having already experienced one adoption finalization, I knew it was going to be short but after 377 days of waiting for this, and not knowing for most of that time if we’d ever see this day, I honestly felt like I was left grasping a little bit. I started to get very emotional as the magistrate said her final words, ending the hearing and Bennet’s case, but just as the feelings swelled, boom, it was done. I wiped the two tears that had started to form, we packed up, and went home to celebrate. I didn’t really feel like I got to savor the words or the moment. The rest of the day was a whirlwind, celebrating with friends and family and then turning around to go to church for the Good Friday service. By the time I had a moment to myself, I was so tired that I collapsed in bed.
I only write that to capture how I felt. It doesn’t diminish the significance of that day, and I certainly don’t want it to sound like I’m complaining. I am so relieved and grateful that we’ve made it to the other side. I spent the majority of the last year doing a lot of heart exercises so I could do my best to be open to whatever direction his case would go, whether that involved us long-term or not. It feels surreal to know with certainty that we get to parent Bennet, to plan for the future and include him in it without catching myself and wondering if he would still be with us. To be able to focus all our energy on being a family.
Chapter 9: Closing Thoughts
Just when I thought I had done a lot of heart-work related to adoption, Bennet came into my life and opened up a whole other component. As much as I wish I had already done the lion’s share of the work, I’m now 100% certain it never ends. I’ll never reach a point where I have learned all there is to learn and can ‘coast’ the rest of the way.
I admittedly started on the adoption journey for self-centered reasons (i.e. I wanted to be a parent), but this journey has become so much more complex than that. As challenging as the added layer of adoption has turned out to be, it also holds such beauty and grace that I hold close to my heart. I feel incredibly inadequate a lot of the time, but I know without a doubt that God loves my children more than I ever could, that I was chosen to be their day-to-day mom, and that I can lean on God in my many moments of weakness.
It’s now my job to remain open to continued learning from the adoption community, especially birth families and adoptees, and to focus not on trying to ‘fix’ any hard things my children will feel related to adoption, but instead to focus on being there, sitting with them, validating their feelings, listening without always speaking, and praying my a$$ off for wisdom and guidance.
In conclusion, 2022 felt incredibly brutal a lot of the time, between this adoption journey and many other unexpected twists and turns in our lives. But it was also incredibly amazing and profound and beautiful. C’est la vie.
I admittedly started on the adoption journey for self-centered reasons (i.e. I wanted to be a parent), but this journey has become so much more complex than that. As challenging as the added layer of adoption has turned out to be, it also holds such beauty and grace that I hold close to my heart. I feel incredibly inadequate a lot of the time, but I know without a doubt that God loves my children more than I ever could, that I was chosen to be their day-to-day mom, and that I can lean on God in my many moments of weakness.
It’s now my job to remain open to continued learning from the adoption community, especially birth families and adoptees, and to focus not on trying to ‘fix’ any hard things my children will feel related to adoption, but instead to focus on being there, sitting with them, validating their feelings, listening without always speaking, and praying my a$$ off for wisdom and guidance.
In conclusion, 2022 felt incredibly brutal a lot of the time, between this adoption journey and many other unexpected twists and turns in our lives. But it was also incredibly amazing and profound and beautiful. C’est la vie.
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