New Year, Same Me, New Focus
I don’t really have my thoughts collected, but I’m a sucker for tradition and I can’t not write something at the new year.
My focus for 2019 was to be present with Adley and I think I did a pretty good job. I learned that being a full-time working mom is seriously no joke. It’s still way too depressing to think about how few hours I see her during the week, so I’ve made it a point to make those few hours count each day. One of the biggest things I did was have Brian flag me as a high-schooler on our modem and assign "homework hours", which means I am cut off from social media at 5pm every week night. That really helped reduce the amount of distractions and made it easier for me to be more present for those 2-3 hours before Adley went to bed each night.
My focus for 2019 was to be present with Adley and I think I did a pretty good job. I learned that being a full-time working mom is seriously no joke. It’s still way too depressing to think about how few hours I see her during the week, so I’ve made it a point to make those few hours count each day. One of the biggest things I did was have Brian flag me as a high-schooler on our modem and assign "homework hours", which means I am cut off from social media at 5pm every week night. That really helped reduce the amount of distractions and made it easier for me to be more present for those 2-3 hours before Adley went to bed each night.
I also got increasingly agitated about chores. I did not want to spend my precious time off work doing chores when I could be spending time with Adley. Brian and I decided that as two gainfully-employed adults we could explore ‘buying some time back’. We started regularly taking the dogs to the groomer because I couldn’t keep up with their hair cuts and man, did that small thing make a big difference. I did not realize how stressed I was about being the family dog groomer until I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. We have also discussed hiring someone to clean our bathrooms and floors on a regular basis, which I most definitely look forward to in 2020 (especially since Adley's favorite spots to play are on the floor and in the bathroom). I read an article once that said money can buy you happiness if you use it to ‘buy time’, and so far I’d have to say I agree.
Bonding is always a focus, probably for every parent, but especially when it comes to adoption; it's constantly in the back of my mind. Did I do enough skin-to-skin? Does she know how loved and worthy she is? Does she know I'm her mom? One of the sweetest moments over Christmas break was seeing some evidence of our mother/daughter bond. We spent some time in Denver before the new year and were in a small area with about 20 people. At one point Adley left Brian at the front and walked through the sea of legs toward the back. I was standing in the back watching her scan each set of legs, and then she saw me, recognition hit, she smiled so brightly, ran to me, hugged my legs, and exclaimed, "Hi!" I tell you what, that warmed my soul. All in all, I think 2019 was a great year of bonding for Adley and me (she still has yet to call me 'mama' though).
Bonding is always a focus, probably for every parent, but especially when it comes to adoption; it's constantly in the back of my mind. Did I do enough skin-to-skin? Does she know how loved and worthy she is? Does she know I'm her mom? One of the sweetest moments over Christmas break was seeing some evidence of our mother/daughter bond. We spent some time in Denver before the new year and were in a small area with about 20 people. At one point Adley left Brian at the front and walked through the sea of legs toward the back. I was standing in the back watching her scan each set of legs, and then she saw me, recognition hit, she smiled so brightly, ran to me, hugged my legs, and exclaimed, "Hi!" I tell you what, that warmed my soul. All in all, I think 2019 was a great year of bonding for Adley and me (she still has yet to call me 'mama' though).
Now that 2019 reflection has taken place, I look forward to the new year. As I mention every year, I typically don’t do goals, I instead try to choose a lens with which to frame each year and I find that to be more productive for me. I’ve decided that my motto for 2020 is “Get Out of Your Head” (thanks to author Jennie Allen).
I’ve had some near crippling anxiety as a new mom this past year, worrying myself into a frenzy over every little thing that could possibly happen to Adley. I don’t know if it has something to do with some residual trauma from the infertility/adoption journey but I’m convinced she’s going to die or be taken from me 90% of the time. I’m constantly running through all the worst case scenarios in my head, and I’m really glad Adley is too young to realize how often I take her temperature to make sure she doesn’t have a random fever (thank you, no-touch forehead thermometers).
It’s a cage, it's isolating, and I’ve had enough. I do not want to live controlled by irrational fear anymore. I’m missing out on truly enjoying my time as a mom because I’m over here with stress poops, worried my kid has hantavirus.
I’ve followed the author Jennie Allen for a few years after reading her book Anything (which I wrote about in 2016) and she’s coming out with a new book in 2020 called Get Out of Your Head (hence my motto). I’m on her email list and she sent an “anxious thoughts guide” in October to promote her book. It was a guided exercise to use when you feel yourself spiraling into worry. It came on a night when I was doing just that (ahem, hantavirus) and I found it very helpful. The goal of the exercise was to name your worries, but then focus instead on God’s truth for each one until there’s no room left for the lies of fear. At the same time our church was doing a series on the Psalms of Ascent and talked a lot about praying the Psalms. I was in a deep pit of worry one night and in my flailing for control/relief I opened the bible to the Psalms and randomly stumbled across Psalm 113:9,
“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!”
That was just the truth I needed to kick the voice of fear to the curb, especially considering the two moments in my life where I confidently felt God's movement were when we moved here/bought our house, and when we found Adley. The truth is that God promises joyous motherhood, not fearful motherhood.
It’s a cage, it's isolating, and I’ve had enough. I do not want to live controlled by irrational fear anymore. I’m missing out on truly enjoying my time as a mom because I’m over here with stress poops, worried my kid has hantavirus.
I’ve followed the author Jennie Allen for a few years after reading her book Anything (which I wrote about in 2016) and she’s coming out with a new book in 2020 called Get Out of Your Head (hence my motto). I’m on her email list and she sent an “anxious thoughts guide” in October to promote her book. It was a guided exercise to use when you feel yourself spiraling into worry. It came on a night when I was doing just that (ahem, hantavirus) and I found it very helpful. The goal of the exercise was to name your worries, but then focus instead on God’s truth for each one until there’s no room left for the lies of fear. At the same time our church was doing a series on the Psalms of Ascent and talked a lot about praying the Psalms. I was in a deep pit of worry one night and in my flailing for control/relief I opened the bible to the Psalms and randomly stumbled across Psalm 113:9,
“He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!”
That was just the truth I needed to kick the voice of fear to the curb, especially considering the two moments in my life where I confidently felt God's movement were when we moved here/bought our house, and when we found Adley. The truth is that God promises joyous motherhood, not fearful motherhood.
Since that exercise I've found that scripture is the only way I can find solace when I'm anxious, so my hope is to more frequently and intentionally lean into God's truth to stomp out fear this next year. I hope to live more peacefully in this life I've been gifted and I look forward to experiencing the joyous motherhood proclaimed in the Psalms.
So here's to 2020... I feel like I'd be remiss not to make some eyesight comment right now.
Removing the film of fear that clouds my vision so I can see 2020 in 2020.
Meh. Needs work. I'll just leave you with a quote (also sent from Jennie Allen) and my annual Instagram Top 9 collage. Happy New Year!
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