Fickle Me Pink

And we’re back!

Well, we got back over a week ago but I’ve been busy. Or lazy. Or both.

I had a wonderful time at my 10 year college reunion. I practically lost my voice from talking so much and I laughed so hard, my head was throbbing most of the weekend. It was totally worth the pain. It’s always very encouraging (and refreshing) to realize you have such good friends. The kind you can get together with after so long and not have awkward “so, what have you been up to?” moments. I really do miss college relationships and I love Whitworth so much. If it wasn’t in Spokane, I would totally want to work there. No offense, Spokane. I’ve always had a weird relationship with that town. I don’t hate it but I just can’t live there. I guess it’s an “it’s not you, it’s me” kind of situation.

Lauren, Alicia, Me, Heather, Jedi

Heather, Lauren, Me, & Alicia

Alicia"s camera shutter kept sticking so we went with it.

And, I feel I need to pay homage to the good ol' days:

Jedi, Alicia, Me, Lauren circa 2001-2002

Alicia, Me, Lauren, Heather circa 2000-2001

It was also really fun to see my friends with all their littles. I’ve never met so many charming and well-behaved children in my life. Good job, friends!

If I’m honest though, it was also a little bit of a confusing time for me. It was the first time I didn’t feel that ache in my heart while hanging around my friends and their children. I found that to be incredibly confusing because they were seriously really great kids. It wasn’t in any way like when you go to Wal-Mart and it’s all kinds of birth control with screaming children everywhere.

Ever since we got home I’ve been burdened with this new lack of longing for children of my own. I’ve now gone from feeling like, “Whew, I’m glad God saved me from being an unfit mother” to a less extreme conclusion. My inner dialogue this week has looked something like this:

“Being a parent is just too hard and not for me”

“But you can do hard things”

“Yes, but parenting is beyond what I can do”

“Yeah right, dummy. Give yourself some credit and look at all the things you’ve done that you didn’t think you could do”

“…”

“See?”

“…crap. But, I don’t want to anymore”

“So you’re going to leave your poor kids hanging out there because you’re too lazy and scared to take up the challenge?”

“AARRGGHH!”

P.S. Yes, I did call myself a dummy. Don’t worry, I promise I’m not bullying myself- I can take it.

I was watching Revenge last night and there was a saying, “A ship is safest in the harbor, but the harbor is not where ships are meant to be”.

Okay, fine. I can do hard things.

But ‘can’ and ‘want’ are very different; and right now for me, the difference between ‘can’ and ‘want’ is the difference between getting pregnant and adopting. Adoption doesn’t just happen to you and show you that you can. You have to want to stay intentional and motivated to put yourself through hard things, and I’m realizing it’s going to be all too easy for me to lose faith in myself.

Perhaps what caused my paralyzing fear was the fact that my friend’s children are so great. It feels overwhelming to think of what it takes to raise great children and the challenge started to feel a little too real. I think my heart shut that door as a way to cope.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can just put all the difficult things into a pile, label it “Things God didn’t want you to do anyway” and avoid it at all costs. Wouldn’t it be convenient if God just never wanted us to do hard things?

I’m being open and vulnerable right now both to help me process things and to attempt to stop the trend of not being honest. I’ve found that hiding all the hard stuff just ends up making everyone feel inadequate and alone. I’m sorry if my honesty makes you uncomfortable; my intention is not to push the boundaries of what is socially acceptable to share. It’s just that in the world of social media where we only post the "good stuff", I feel the need to balance that out with a place to be real. I may not want to show you a picture of me first thing in the morning (be grateful), but I can, and want to, show you the truth of my heart. Maybe it will help dissolve some of the incriminating delusion that everyone is great, all the time. And share my belief that it’s okay to struggle even if that struggle makes you look and feel like a jerk sometimes.

Logistically speaking, we have not begun the adoption process. In the research I’ve done in our county (when I haven’t just immediately become terrified and closed the browser), it looks like we will have to attend classes, most of which look to be in Denver.  We are going to hibernate for the winter and work on getting our house ready for a home visit evaluation. Hopefully we will be able to take the giant first step in the spring and I will continue praying my ass off that I am capable of following through with this.

Luckily, I have Brian by my side. He really is the perfect partner for me and my fickleness. He is so patient and he rarely, if ever, makes me feel awful for struggling. I’m guessing there are very few men out there who would listen to me get all excited about adoption only to then turn around one day and say, “Oh, BTW, I don’t want kids anymore” without getting angry or frustrated. He is very good at letting me process things out-loud and at my speed without pushing me to figure things out.  He is constant proof to me that God is looking out for me.

He is also really good at talking to people on the phone so he is going to be an essential part of moving us through the adoption process. I’ve conquered many hard things in my life but getting over my fear of the phone is not one of them...

Still here? Cool. Here's a squirrel that we spotted on our drive up Lookout Mountain last weekend. I feel he chose an excellent spot to chill. 

And Mount Sopris. Lookin' good.

Until next time...