Nostalgic Life Lessons
If you follow me on social media, you saw that I recently met up with my 2 best friends from high school in NYC for a 20+ year friend-iversary rendezvous. It was the perfect trip in so many ways. We had a great time reconnecting and reminiscing. I walked away from that trip super sad it was over and super grateful for such great, long-lasting friendships and the fact that we all found great husbands. If you haven't seen your long-time besties in a while, plan a trip with them for a long weekend! I highly recommend it.
That trip really made me nostalgic so I came home and started reading my journals. I was blessed with a mentor in high school who really encouraged me to journal through all my teenage angst and I have always felt that was so crucial for me to work through all those awkward years. And now I have volumes upon volumes of journals walking me through the majority of my life. What's great about having those journals is that I continue to learn from them, even 20 years later. Admittedly, there are journals I have never wanted to re-read. There were tough moments in my life that I have so far not felt prepared to re-live. However, this time I felt ready. I figured I'd give it a shot and read as much as I could. I went all the way back and have been reading straight through. And...
I am obsessed. Ask my husband. If I have a spare minute, I'm reading my journal and it's so hard for me to put it down. I'm amazed at how many of the little details I have forgotten over the years. I'm almost on the edge of my seat, "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!"
Admittedly, they are super whiny, utterly embarrassing (especially ages 14-19), but oh so enlightening and healing. Most of all, they make me incredibly grateful to be where I am now. It's really something special to be able to look back, now knowing what actually happens next, and see how faithful God is. He's ALWAYS faithful. Not sometimes. ALWAYS. It may take a long time for his plan to unfold but it's always the best way and I can see his redemptive plan unfolding as I look back.
I don't really believe in coincidences; I see God in everything. This deep dive into my past and all that I'm learning from it came at no better time. Today, after waiting almost 4 weeks, we found out the first expectant mom to look at our adoption profile book has chosen another family to meet. I promise I won't write about every 'rejection' going forward but this first one feels extra stingy. I really got my hopes up; like really high up. The profile notification about the expectant mom felt too good to be true. If I could create my dream profile notification, this would've been it. It felt like a gift from God and I felt so sure we would be the family selected. I was making mental plans based on the expectant mother's due date (which is pretty soon), thinking of all the preparations we would need to make. I was in love with that baby and I already cared so much for that expectant mom, having prayed for and thought of them daily. And now it's all just gone. I'll never meet that baby or that woman. I don't need to plan around that due date anymore. It effing sucks. Can I get a day of bereavement for every 'no', please?
After working through about 10 different emotions in the span of 13 minutes after reading the 'no' email this morning, all that comes to my mind now are my journals and how faithful God is. There were times in my life when I was 100% convinced something was going to occur. I had lists, endless lists, of reasons why I was so convinced. But now I know that God had something completely different planned for me just around the corner. It wasn't anything I ever would've made lists about or even thought of, but of course it was better than I could've ever imagined or planned on my own. You may think it's a coincidence but I think God stirred my heart to revisit my life's journey so I can rest assured in the shadow of his wings during this disappointment.
I wish I could say I'm 100% fine resting in that knowledge, but I'm not. It's really hard to keep the mean voice quiet. The voice that has haunted me my whole life, tearing me down at every turn. The voice that always tries to drown out my hope. It tells me things like, "You're obviously not cut out to be a parent; that's why this isn't happening. I can't believe you actually thought this woman would pick you. You're not good enough, you have a lot more to learn before you'll be able to be a good parent. You're crazy to think anyone would look at your braggy book and want you to parent their child". He's very mean, but I'm learning to shout back at him, telling him repeatedly to SHUT UP. My journals have showed me I need to love myself more. My life-long issues with self-esteem don't like to admit it, but I'm reading my journals and realizing I'm a pretty likable person and I have a good head on my shoulders. The reason we didn't get picked is because that's not our baby. Simple as that.
So, not ALL hope is lost...just that hope. In the grand scheme of things, that's okay; it's part of the process... and who knows what God has waiting for us around the next corner.
That trip really made me nostalgic so I came home and started reading my journals. I was blessed with a mentor in high school who really encouraged me to journal through all my teenage angst and I have always felt that was so crucial for me to work through all those awkward years. And now I have volumes upon volumes of journals walking me through the majority of my life. What's great about having those journals is that I continue to learn from them, even 20 years later. Admittedly, there are journals I have never wanted to re-read. There were tough moments in my life that I have so far not felt prepared to re-live. However, this time I felt ready. I figured I'd give it a shot and read as much as I could. I went all the way back and have been reading straight through. And...
I am obsessed. Ask my husband. If I have a spare minute, I'm reading my journal and it's so hard for me to put it down. I'm amazed at how many of the little details I have forgotten over the years. I'm almost on the edge of my seat, "WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?!"
Admittedly, they are super whiny, utterly embarrassing (especially ages 14-19), but oh so enlightening and healing. Most of all, they make me incredibly grateful to be where I am now. It's really something special to be able to look back, now knowing what actually happens next, and see how faithful God is. He's ALWAYS faithful. Not sometimes. ALWAYS. It may take a long time for his plan to unfold but it's always the best way and I can see his redemptive plan unfolding as I look back.
I don't really believe in coincidences; I see God in everything. This deep dive into my past and all that I'm learning from it came at no better time. Today, after waiting almost 4 weeks, we found out the first expectant mom to look at our adoption profile book has chosen another family to meet. I promise I won't write about every 'rejection' going forward but this first one feels extra stingy. I really got my hopes up; like really high up. The profile notification about the expectant mom felt too good to be true. If I could create my dream profile notification, this would've been it. It felt like a gift from God and I felt so sure we would be the family selected. I was making mental plans based on the expectant mother's due date (which is pretty soon), thinking of all the preparations we would need to make. I was in love with that baby and I already cared so much for that expectant mom, having prayed for and thought of them daily. And now it's all just gone. I'll never meet that baby or that woman. I don't need to plan around that due date anymore. It effing sucks. Can I get a day of bereavement for every 'no', please?
After working through about 10 different emotions in the span of 13 minutes after reading the 'no' email this morning, all that comes to my mind now are my journals and how faithful God is. There were times in my life when I was 100% convinced something was going to occur. I had lists, endless lists, of reasons why I was so convinced. But now I know that God had something completely different planned for me just around the corner. It wasn't anything I ever would've made lists about or even thought of, but of course it was better than I could've ever imagined or planned on my own. You may think it's a coincidence but I think God stirred my heart to revisit my life's journey so I can rest assured in the shadow of his wings during this disappointment.
I wish I could say I'm 100% fine resting in that knowledge, but I'm not. It's really hard to keep the mean voice quiet. The voice that has haunted me my whole life, tearing me down at every turn. The voice that always tries to drown out my hope. It tells me things like, "You're obviously not cut out to be a parent; that's why this isn't happening. I can't believe you actually thought this woman would pick you. You're not good enough, you have a lot more to learn before you'll be able to be a good parent. You're crazy to think anyone would look at your braggy book and want you to parent their child". He's very mean, but I'm learning to shout back at him, telling him repeatedly to SHUT UP. My journals have showed me I need to love myself more. My life-long issues with self-esteem don't like to admit it, but I'm reading my journals and realizing I'm a pretty likable person and I have a good head on my shoulders. The reason we didn't get picked is because that's not our baby. Simple as that.
So, not ALL hope is lost...just that hope. In the grand scheme of things, that's okay; it's part of the process... and who knows what God has waiting for us around the next corner.
Comments
Post a Comment