Guest Blogger: Adoption and the Birth Mother

The other day my husband asked me if he could write something for my blog. Of course I said yes! He is an excellent writer and doesn't do it enough (if you ask me), so I'm excited to share some of his writing with you today. It probably won't surprise you that the topic is adoption. As we continue down this journey we find ourselves doing a lot of processing and learning; we're excited about what we're learning and we like to share it with others as much as we can.

The topic he wanted to write on today is the birth mother in the adoption triad (triad: Birth Mother/Parents, Adoptive Parents, Child). Birth mothers/parents have been on our minds a lot these days as 2 weeks ago we received our first profile notification of an expectant mother who was considering adoption. We said that we definitely wanted our profile thrown into the mix of couples from which she could choose, and while we've waited to hear if she would like to get to know us better we've been doing a lot of thinking and praying while trying to wait well and trust the process. I'll stop and let Brian take it from here!

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Decisions, Decisions

This is a book about us that birth mothers will view when choosing a family to raise their child. It’s filled with photos; details our lives, marriage, families, traditions, hobbies, pets, home, and also shares how we intend to raise our children. Basically, one big, hardbound, glossy #humblebrag.

A very common response to this has been: “Why does she get to make this decision?”

This was our initial reaction to this part of the adoption process as well. But, we’ve learned a lot, and now value this important role the birthmother plays in her child’s life, no longer thinking the decision is better suited for someone else.

As adopting parents, we feel we're now ambassadors for adoption, must defend the process, and attempt to correct misconceptions. So, here are a few thoughts I’d like to share.

#1. This isn’t how it’s always been

That is correct. In the past, it was more common for a mother choosing adoption to never meet her child, let alone be asked to make decisions concerning her child’s placement. From the moment of birth, the child was whisked away by well-meaning nurses and social workers along a path they felt was best for the child.

This is not intended to be a criticism of how adoption was done in the past. Just like raising children, adoption is an ever-evolving process. As we learn more, the process evolves. When I was an infant, the wisdom of the day was to have babies sleep on their stomachs. Though this has changed, we don’t think poorly of our parents if they did that. They were doing what was best based on the information available at that time.

In 30 years, we’ll probably find ourselves listening to a young couple in the adoption process and question the new wisdom, but also question the process we went through with our own adoption, second guessing our past decisions. Things evolve, things change, and that’s okay.

Today’s process often allows the birthmother to spend a few days with the child (and adoptive parents) in the hospital after the child is born. As our adoption agency has said, “It’s hard to have a healthy goodbye without a healthy hello”.

This time allows her to celebrate the life of her child, begin the process of saying goodbye, and to place the child into the hands of the parents she has chosen. It’s much easier for her to say goodbye as she hands the child over to parents she has chosen, knows, and trusts.

Though it may sound a little messy and awkward, it’s been shown to be a healthy time of joy and grieving for mother, child, and the adopting parents.

#2. She can't possibly be a good decision maker

There is often an assumption made that the birthmother is incapable of making good decisions. She is having an unwanted pregnancy, after all…

I think people forget that once the birthmother determines that she cannot parent the child (difficult decision #1), she is then faced with two very different alternatives. At this point, it is likely that she can legally terminate the pregnancy. The pressures of society may even push her toward that end. In my book, any mother that chooses life for her child is certainly capable of making other good decisions for her child.

#2.5 She must not be married

There is also an assumption that the birthmother isn’t married. She had a one-night-stand, or got careless with her boyfriend. Which perpetuates the misconception that she isn’t good at making decisions…

But, it’s not that uncommon for a birthmother in an adoption to be married. Sometimes it’s an older couple who thought they just sent their last child off to college, only to discover their world is about to be turned upside down. They realize they can’t do it all over again or provide the attention the child needs, sometimes even weeks after bringing the new child into their home. They make the incredibly difficult decision to place their child with a younger (A.K.A. delusional) couple like us, knowing in their hearts that this is the best decision for the child.

While that is a more common scenario, when we attended our adoption training, a birthmother shared a different story. She and her husband married young and very quickly found they were soon-to-be parents. They knew in their hearts they were not ready for this. In the face of opposition from their families (and their church!) they chose to do what they felt was best for their child and placed her with another loving family, waiting to start their own family at a later date.

In both of the above scenarios, it would be much harder for them to know they are making the right decision if adoption meant never knowing what happened to their child, or what type of parents are raising them.

So, hopefully you saw a theme throughout this. The focus is on what’s best for the child, while recognizing the birthmother’s role as more than just an incubator. She’s a master of difficult decision making! Let’s let her make this difficult decision for her child as well.