just thinking...serious post #1
i tend to be intimidated by most things in life. i'm intimidated by every person i don't know. i'm intimidated by every new activity- even to the point that i'm scared to play a game i've never played before or i'm scared to go into a store i've never been in before. i would always, without a doubt, rather sit at home and do my own thing rather than put myself in an intimidating situation. the good thing (and probably the only good thing) about being this way is that when i actually force myself to do something scary, no matter how insignificant it seems to everyone else, it feels like i've conquered the world.
i look back at my life so far and feel pretty proud of all the things i've done despite how hella scared i always am. but even though i can look back and see evidence that things aren't as bad as i imagine them to be, i find no solace in it. i'm still scared all. the. time.
i've created a new guidline to live by. i know who i am and what things excite me and make me happy, so whenever something comes along that just grooves with my being, i have to do it. no excuses. last week, i got an email from a co-worker that the school would pay for the first 10 people who signed up to go see a movie at a small, artsy theater. totally jives with my soul...however, it would be with people i don't know, in a theater that i'd never been to. i knew i had no excuse not to sign up but responding to that email was pure agony. and then, the day of, i spent most of my day trying to come up with a good excuse to back out of it. ridiculous, no? i just can't help it.
and now, as a school employee i get 12 free credits a semester to take classes at no charge and there's a photography class i really want to take...have i signed up yet? no. and once again, it's something that would probably be a very edifying experience for me in more than just the photography aspects (like me getting a life) but every day i'm at work, i can't bring myself to sign up. i thought about asking an acquaintance to sign up for the class with me but then i got scared that her pictures would turn out better than mine and i'd regret asking her to come with me. do you see the absurdities that are my life?
i often wonder when i'll grow out of this mindset but i'm starting to realize that it just might never go away; that my life will always just feel hard. i have to believe that God is blessing me somehow through all my little struggles though that's hard to see most times. i constantly feel like i'm striving so hard to overcome the odds but the odds i'm overcoming are not odds people recognize; therefore, i'm often my own encouragement. the irony in that is that we tend to be our own worst enemies. so i beat myself down for being so ridiculous but then have to find encouragement somewhere in a world where probably only 0.000000000001% of the people actually recognize and sympathize with my struggles. and so, i turn inward again and beg my unforgiving self to build me up a little bit so i can manage to force myself to do one more thing i'd rather not do. it's exhausting, really.
with all that said, and having reread this for editing purposes, i've decided i probably need to seek some counseling services. but that scares me...
i look back at my life so far and feel pretty proud of all the things i've done despite how hella scared i always am. but even though i can look back and see evidence that things aren't as bad as i imagine them to be, i find no solace in it. i'm still scared all. the. time.
i've created a new guidline to live by. i know who i am and what things excite me and make me happy, so whenever something comes along that just grooves with my being, i have to do it. no excuses. last week, i got an email from a co-worker that the school would pay for the first 10 people who signed up to go see a movie at a small, artsy theater. totally jives with my soul...however, it would be with people i don't know, in a theater that i'd never been to. i knew i had no excuse not to sign up but responding to that email was pure agony. and then, the day of, i spent most of my day trying to come up with a good excuse to back out of it. ridiculous, no? i just can't help it.
and now, as a school employee i get 12 free credits a semester to take classes at no charge and there's a photography class i really want to take...have i signed up yet? no. and once again, it's something that would probably be a very edifying experience for me in more than just the photography aspects (like me getting a life) but every day i'm at work, i can't bring myself to sign up. i thought about asking an acquaintance to sign up for the class with me but then i got scared that her pictures would turn out better than mine and i'd regret asking her to come with me. do you see the absurdities that are my life?
i often wonder when i'll grow out of this mindset but i'm starting to realize that it just might never go away; that my life will always just feel hard. i have to believe that God is blessing me somehow through all my little struggles though that's hard to see most times. i constantly feel like i'm striving so hard to overcome the odds but the odds i'm overcoming are not odds people recognize; therefore, i'm often my own encouragement. the irony in that is that we tend to be our own worst enemies. so i beat myself down for being so ridiculous but then have to find encouragement somewhere in a world where probably only 0.000000000001% of the people actually recognize and sympathize with my struggles. and so, i turn inward again and beg my unforgiving self to build me up a little bit so i can manage to force myself to do one more thing i'd rather not do. it's exhausting, really.
with all that said, and having reread this for editing purposes, i've decided i probably need to seek some counseling services. but that scares me...
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