2020 Silver Linings
Happy New Year! 2020 was the fastest year of my life, but all indicators point to the fact that it really is January 2021 and I’m due for, and feeling somewhat ready for, my annual reflection.
I first want to say, for what it’s worth, I wasn’t all that surprised by the pandemic. While I didn’t know it would be brought by a virus, I’ve long predicted our generation was overdue for a truly disruptive event/disaster. I remember reading once that people couldn’t get chocolate during a world war and I realized nothing that extreme and widespread had happened in my lifetime and I figured we weren’t getting off that easy. It turned out to be things like toilet paper and yeast that no one could get, and when everything started going down I was confident this was what I was anticipating and that it would be a long, uncomfortable experience that would define a generation. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, just pointing out that my anxious thoughts were right for once.
Speaking of my anxiety, in last year’s reflection I declared my focus for 2020 was to find ways to calm said anxiety, and ironically a global pandemic was just the ticket. I’m not sure how to write about last year without sounding insensitive, because while I know there were a lot of hardships, it was a pretty good year for me personally. I completely recognize and empathize with the fact that America was a big ol’ depressing poop show this year, but I can’t deny the silver linings I found in my own life.
To start, I found immense relief after getting into the groove of working from home. I didn’t realize just how much of my anxiety stemmed from working in the office 40 hours a week and the resulting mom-guilt and angst over feeling like I was not actually parenting my daughter nor spending enough time with her. At the end of last year I was considering quitting my job because I was so unhappy as a mom, even though it pained me to think about leaving a job I actually enjoy. I constantly felt unsettled, like I was waiting for something to change so that I would feel relief, but I knew barring a miracle nothing could change. My employer did not allow telecommuting, especially for hourly employees (like myself). It felt like my lose/lose options were to either be an unhappy working mom or a resentful, reclusive stay-at-home mom. I prayed for a miracle, and while I hate that the pandemic caused so much death and job loss, it was a drastic enough event to miraculously allow me to work from home, and give me the opportunity to prove that I could do it efficiently so that my employer is willing to consider it more permanently post-pandemic (I'm also no longer hourly!). I can’t adequately express the relief and gratitude I feel being able to work from home and the joy I have thinking about all the unexpected time I got to spend with my daughter this past year.
Despite the weight of mom-guilt being off my shoulders, I found myself having trouble sleeping for the first time in my life. I have never had recurring insomnia before but I assumed it was the pandemic (or the election, or my thyroid medication, or the civil unrest, or the massive fire near our home, or, or, or) and figured there was nothing I could do about it. After months of losing my mind trying to weed through all the conflicting online news about what was going on in the world, I got to the end of my rope and decided to cut ties with Facebook. Within a few weeks I realized I no longer had trouble sleeping and I also discovered I hadn’t had one of my usual anxiety attacks in weeks, which then turned into months, and I haven’t had a single one since I ditched Facebook.
{moment of silence to acknowledge how awesome that is}
I knew Facebook was no longer a great environment but I had no clue the magnitude of how negatively it affected my life and my health. Seeing such drastic benefits, I made the decision to intentionally curate the rest of my online environment. I ruthlessly removed any unnecessary or negative noise and it has made such a difference for my mental health. I’ve been able to find resources I trust to stay current and my FOMO has disappeared for all the rest. I never could have predicted that I would feel healthiest mentally during a year full of such unrest, and with so much to actually warrant being anxious about, but I'm freeeeeeeeee at last. Thank God, Almighty, I'm free at last!
One of my consistent prayers last year was a plea to help me keep my eyes on God, to find my hope and comfort in Him and His truth, no matter what was going on in the world and Psalm 121 became a recurring mantra for me. During the holidays our town lights a cross on one of the surrounding hills each night and it’s such a symbol to me of that Psalm. It always draws my eyes up and reminds me who’s got me and that there’s no need to worry if I plant my feet in God’s truth.
Now, as for 2021, my focus is...discomfort? I’m really scared to declare that, be careful what you wish for immediately comes to mind. Let me explain...
First: I’ve noticed I spend a lot of effort seeking out my own comfort and it seems to be at the expense of others lately, so I want to focus less on me and more on others. Specifically, I want to put more effort into my relationship with my husband. It’s no secret things get more challenging when kids join the mix and that has been very true for us. I became overwhelmed with mom-life, plus trying to keep 4 senior, often high-maintenance animals alive & happy*, and ended up pushing my husband to the small little back-burner on the stove that no one ever uses. I want to focus on being more present and intentional as a wife, even if it means cutting into my 'me time'.
Second: If you read my last blog post, I'll update you that we have now decided to move in the direction of the adoption consultant, which continues to push me far outside my comfort zone. I often think about not adopting again at all in my efforts to remain comfortable, but none of my excuses hold any real substance and are entirely rooted in my selfish desire to not be bothered.
I was watching Frozen II with Adley the other day and suddenly found myself crying during Anna’s song Do the Next Right Thing, specifically at these lyrics:
(Don’t dismiss kid movies, folks, there are nuggets for everyone)
I was a bit overwhelmed with mom-life + 4 pets when Adley joined our family so a small part of me doesn’t want to disrupt the groove we have right now. We have finally developed a good system and Adley is now old enough that she can entertain herself some of the time. I know a baby will require recalibration so my brain fights the decision constantly, because as previously mentioned, I’m super selfish (and enneagram 9) and I innately work hard to preserve the peace in my life. But despite my fears and discomfort, I want to make the choice to take the necessary steps to follow this uncomfortable path, knowing that God’s plan for us is not to sit comfortably at all costs. He calls us to so much more. Also, we really do want to have another child in our lives!
So, here’s to being uncomfortable. Lord, please be merciful.
And once again, I’ll leave you with my Instagram Top 9:
*Just wanted to give you a taste for why my pets often overwhelm me, because I might be seeking some validation...or maybe I just need to vent.
A) Our 11-year-old dog is hypothyroid so I have to remember to give her two pills a day. She is also a princess who only likes me and often needs to be escorted down the stairs (but not always, just when she’s feeling extra). If I forget to bring her with me when she's feeling extra, she barks incessantly at the top of the stairs. Often when I go to get her, just seeing me miraculously gives her the ability to go down the stairs on her own so she didn't actually need my help. She also wakes me up multiple times at night to go potty, and if Brian tries to let her out at any time, she will not go with him, it has to be me.
B) Our 12-year-old dog finds Adley annoying, yet constantly follows her around to bark at her. She insists on being wherever Adley is, just to make sure she knows she doesn’t like her. The constant barking and lack of logic drives me insane, JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU DON’T LIKE HER. This dog also likes to be by my feet and I trip over her 50 times an hour. She’s also lost her hearing so she makes up for it by barking at nothing, just in case there might be a valid reason to bark, but she can’t hear us when we shush her so we have to go touch her to snap her out of it.
C) One of our 14-year-old cats has been sick for over a month, throwing up all over (i.e. we had to constantly clean it up) and then diarrhea. At first it was pancreatitis but when she remained sick after being treated, they discovered three bacteria in her poop that create digestive unrest. The best part? All three are transmittable to humans (one of them is salmonella, I didn’t catch what the others were; no pun intended) so I’ve been giving her medicine twice daily, quarantining her, and washing my hands Covid-19 + Salmonella number of times. Oh, and dog from point B decided the cat’s sick poop was like some kind of magical treat and has been doing all she can to eat it. This cat has messy diarrhea that runs down her legs and sticks to her fur so I have to regularly bathe her, all while trying not to get poop everywhere so my family doesn't accidentally ingest a particle.
D) My other cat is great, she just loves me too much and always needs to be touching me, preferably on my shoulder, or smothering my face. If she were my only pet, I’d probably be fine.
These pets could take or leave Brian so most of this burden falls on me. I’m not proud to admit it but there have been many low moments this past year when I’ve prayed that they would peacefully die in their sleep. I know I’ll be sad when they’re gone, but I also can’t deny that the relief will be palpable. Whew, it felt good to get all of that out. Thanks for listening.
I first want to say, for what it’s worth, I wasn’t all that surprised by the pandemic. While I didn’t know it would be brought by a virus, I’ve long predicted our generation was overdue for a truly disruptive event/disaster. I remember reading once that people couldn’t get chocolate during a world war and I realized nothing that extreme and widespread had happened in my lifetime and I figured we weren’t getting off that easy. It turned out to be things like toilet paper and yeast that no one could get, and when everything started going down I was confident this was what I was anticipating and that it would be a long, uncomfortable experience that would define a generation. I’m not trying to toot my own horn, just pointing out that my anxious thoughts were right for once.
Speaking of my anxiety, in last year’s reflection I declared my focus for 2020 was to find ways to calm said anxiety, and ironically a global pandemic was just the ticket. I’m not sure how to write about last year without sounding insensitive, because while I know there were a lot of hardships, it was a pretty good year for me personally. I completely recognize and empathize with the fact that America was a big ol’ depressing poop show this year, but I can’t deny the silver linings I found in my own life.
To start, I found immense relief after getting into the groove of working from home. I didn’t realize just how much of my anxiety stemmed from working in the office 40 hours a week and the resulting mom-guilt and angst over feeling like I was not actually parenting my daughter nor spending enough time with her. At the end of last year I was considering quitting my job because I was so unhappy as a mom, even though it pained me to think about leaving a job I actually enjoy. I constantly felt unsettled, like I was waiting for something to change so that I would feel relief, but I knew barring a miracle nothing could change. My employer did not allow telecommuting, especially for hourly employees (like myself). It felt like my lose/lose options were to either be an unhappy working mom or a resentful, reclusive stay-at-home mom. I prayed for a miracle, and while I hate that the pandemic caused so much death and job loss, it was a drastic enough event to miraculously allow me to work from home, and give me the opportunity to prove that I could do it efficiently so that my employer is willing to consider it more permanently post-pandemic (I'm also no longer hourly!). I can’t adequately express the relief and gratitude I feel being able to work from home and the joy I have thinking about all the unexpected time I got to spend with my daughter this past year.
Despite the weight of mom-guilt being off my shoulders, I found myself having trouble sleeping for the first time in my life. I have never had recurring insomnia before but I assumed it was the pandemic (or the election, or my thyroid medication, or the civil unrest, or the massive fire near our home, or, or, or) and figured there was nothing I could do about it. After months of losing my mind trying to weed through all the conflicting online news about what was going on in the world, I got to the end of my rope and decided to cut ties with Facebook. Within a few weeks I realized I no longer had trouble sleeping and I also discovered I hadn’t had one of my usual anxiety attacks in weeks, which then turned into months, and I haven’t had a single one since I ditched Facebook.
{moment of silence to acknowledge how awesome that is}
I knew Facebook was no longer a great environment but I had no clue the magnitude of how negatively it affected my life and my health. Seeing such drastic benefits, I made the decision to intentionally curate the rest of my online environment. I ruthlessly removed any unnecessary or negative noise and it has made such a difference for my mental health. I’ve been able to find resources I trust to stay current and my FOMO has disappeared for all the rest. I never could have predicted that I would feel healthiest mentally during a year full of such unrest, and with so much to actually warrant being anxious about, but I'm freeeeeeeeee at last. Thank God, Almighty, I'm free at last!
One of my consistent prayers last year was a plea to help me keep my eyes on God, to find my hope and comfort in Him and His truth, no matter what was going on in the world and Psalm 121 became a recurring mantra for me. During the holidays our town lights a cross on one of the surrounding hills each night and it’s such a symbol to me of that Psalm. It always draws my eyes up and reminds me who’s got me and that there’s no need to worry if I plant my feet in God’s truth.
Now, as for 2021, my focus is...discomfort? I’m really scared to declare that, be careful what you wish for immediately comes to mind. Let me explain...
First: I’ve noticed I spend a lot of effort seeking out my own comfort and it seems to be at the expense of others lately, so I want to focus less on me and more on others. Specifically, I want to put more effort into my relationship with my husband. It’s no secret things get more challenging when kids join the mix and that has been very true for us. I became overwhelmed with mom-life, plus trying to keep 4 senior, often high-maintenance animals alive & happy*, and ended up pushing my husband to the small little back-burner on the stove that no one ever uses. I want to focus on being more present and intentional as a wife, even if it means cutting into my 'me time'.
Second: If you read my last blog post, I'll update you that we have now decided to move in the direction of the adoption consultant, which continues to push me far outside my comfort zone. I often think about not adopting again at all in my efforts to remain comfortable, but none of my excuses hold any real substance and are entirely rooted in my selfish desire to not be bothered.
I was watching Frozen II with Adley the other day and suddenly found myself crying during Anna’s song Do the Next Right Thing, specifically at these lyrics:
I won't look too far ahead
It's too much for me to take
But break it down to this next breath, this next step
This next choice is one that I can make
So I'll walk through this night
Stumbling blindly toward the light
And do the next right thing
And, with it done, what comes then?
When it's clear that everything will never be the same again
Then I'll make the choice to hear that voice
And do the next right thing
(Don’t dismiss kid movies, folks, there are nuggets for everyone)
I was a bit overwhelmed with mom-life + 4 pets when Adley joined our family so a small part of me doesn’t want to disrupt the groove we have right now. We have finally developed a good system and Adley is now old enough that she can entertain herself some of the time. I know a baby will require recalibration so my brain fights the decision constantly, because as previously mentioned, I’m super selfish (and enneagram 9) and I innately work hard to preserve the peace in my life. But despite my fears and discomfort, I want to make the choice to take the necessary steps to follow this uncomfortable path, knowing that God’s plan for us is not to sit comfortably at all costs. He calls us to so much more. Also, we really do want to have another child in our lives!
So, here’s to being uncomfortable. Lord, please be merciful.
And once again, I’ll leave you with my Instagram Top 9:
 |
| Adley turned 2! We became landlords! Spending a day with Adley’s birth family! Lots of time with Adley, mid-day, on a weekday! |
*Just wanted to give you a taste for why my pets often overwhelm me, because I might be seeking some validation...or maybe I just need to vent.
A) Our 11-year-old dog is hypothyroid so I have to remember to give her two pills a day. She is also a princess who only likes me and often needs to be escorted down the stairs (but not always, just when she’s feeling extra). If I forget to bring her with me when she's feeling extra, she barks incessantly at the top of the stairs. Often when I go to get her, just seeing me miraculously gives her the ability to go down the stairs on her own so she didn't actually need my help. She also wakes me up multiple times at night to go potty, and if Brian tries to let her out at any time, she will not go with him, it has to be me.
B) Our 12-year-old dog finds Adley annoying, yet constantly follows her around to bark at her. She insists on being wherever Adley is, just to make sure she knows she doesn’t like her. The constant barking and lack of logic drives me insane, JUST GO SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU DON’T LIKE HER. This dog also likes to be by my feet and I trip over her 50 times an hour. She’s also lost her hearing so she makes up for it by barking at nothing, just in case there might be a valid reason to bark, but she can’t hear us when we shush her so we have to go touch her to snap her out of it.
C) One of our 14-year-old cats has been sick for over a month, throwing up all over (i.e. we had to constantly clean it up) and then diarrhea. At first it was pancreatitis but when she remained sick after being treated, they discovered three bacteria in her poop that create digestive unrest. The best part? All three are transmittable to humans (one of them is salmonella, I didn’t catch what the others were; no pun intended) so I’ve been giving her medicine twice daily, quarantining her, and washing my hands Covid-19 + Salmonella number of times. Oh, and dog from point B decided the cat’s sick poop was like some kind of magical treat and has been doing all she can to eat it. This cat has messy diarrhea that runs down her legs and sticks to her fur so I have to regularly bathe her, all while trying not to get poop everywhere so my family doesn't accidentally ingest a particle.
D) My other cat is great, she just loves me too much and always needs to be touching me, preferably on my shoulder, or smothering my face. If she were my only pet, I’d probably be fine.
These pets could take or leave Brian so most of this burden falls on me. I’m not proud to admit it but there have been many low moments this past year when I’ve prayed that they would peacefully die in their sleep. I know I’ll be sad when they’re gone, but I also can’t deny that the relief will be palpable. Whew, it felt good to get all of that out. Thanks for listening.
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