I Have a Toddler Now

Before I get started, I’ll address the gorilla in the room: I have not been blogging.

Kids really are vacuum cleaners of your life (in the best way)... If only I could also get her to vacuum the house, as I am apparently incapable of completing that task these days.

The first big update is that Adley turned 1 at the end of August! I decided not to do a big shindig and just had a few family members attend. We ordered pizza for lunch while Brian crafted a delightful smoked chicken for dinner. I made a little smash cake with blueberry whipped cream for Adley (she did smash it, she did not really eat it) and we enjoyed a leisurely day of celebrating Adley’s presence in our lives. She thoroughly enjoyed all the attention on her day, was smiley and sweet, and enjoyed opening and playing with her new toys. It was a delightful day and one of which I will cherish the memory. 

She’s now a solid month into her 2nd year of life and I have to say that things are becoming quite different and I find myself a little ill-prepared for these changes. In my very limited parenting experience the “year of the baby” was pretty easy. I constantly had the feeling I was getting away with something, secretly thinking to myself, “This really isn’t as hard as I thought it would be”.

But then...Boom. She threw her first big tantrum right before her birthday. It was so uncharacteristic of her that I was sure something was wrong and was googling like crazy, only to discover it’s normal. Awesome.

Then we began the task of weaning her from formula. I had already taken a class on introducing food to babies so I bought the toddler version and I tried all of their suggestions...and Adley has decided her goal in life is to not cooperate. It’s totally fine if she eats formula for the rest of her life, right? She can hide it in a coffee mug and no one has to know. Then all she has to do is get over her refusal to hold her own cup.

Then it became clear that Adley acts like a perfect angel for everyone, except me (also apparently normal). If I enter the room, she often breaks down in tears complete with dramatic flailing. She does this thing where she reaches up for me whilst sobbing, but if I pick her up she punches me in the throat and tries to get away from me, only to act like I’m the worst person ever for having the gall to put her down. It has been very straight-forward and not confusing at all.

Needless to say, my easy-going little baby that went along with everything has become this little person with a mind of her own, and it kind of feels like it happened overnight. Please don’t get me wrong, I want her to be independent and strong, I’ve just realized I kind of thought:

A) It would happen more gradually
B) She would be a bit kinder about it
C) It would happen more-so after she knew some words and we would be able to communicate better through the changes. 

Assumptions abound these days because she can’t use words to tell me what she needs and I often feel like I’m grasping at straws trying to figure her out. I spend a lot of time calmly telling her that I see she’s mad/sad, but I don’t understand what she needs. Babies really should focus on developing speech before anything else to make things easier on their parents. M’kay?

Go ahead and laugh at me and my silly expectations. You may have a gaggle of kids already under your belt but, Hi, my name is Jaime and I’m new here.

All of this upheaval in our routine has left me feeling very insecure in my parenting, pile on top of that the fact that she always looks around and calls out “Papa” whenever she and I are together, and my self-esteem as a parent feels very low right now. I’m often convinced she doesn’t like me and I feel defeated a lot of the time, but I’m trying to learn to give myself grace and to not tie my worth as a parent to her actions. She is in a phase that is all about exploration and kids at this age literally don't have the capacity to think about how their actions make others feel. It's not me as a parent, it's science.

I’m also trying to remember to wear my perspectacles and put myself in her shoes. She’s being encouraged to learn a new food routine, we’ve had 6 different shifts in her daycare providers in the last 7 weeks, she’s popped 3 new teeth, had trouble digesting the amount of whole milk we were giving her/got terrible diaper rash, and she went through a big leap in her brain development. She’s going through a lot, and if I’m the only person she feels comfortable enough around to feel all the feels and let her frustrations out, then I’m going to take that as a mom-win. It may not be the magical picture I had of our mother-daughter relationship at this stage but it’s what she needs… and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that everything with kids is a season. This season is a bit more uncomfortable for me but it’s necessary for seasons to come. There’s that old saying, “Caterpillars have to turn to goo before they can become a butterfly” and I think we’re in a bit of a “goo phase”. 

Before everyone starts warning me about the future, I’m not delusional. I fully realize it’s only going to get a lot harder and the goo will be a lot more plentiful as she gets older. I know there are so many life lessons for all of us to learn as a family that will be challenging. However, my focus right now is to stop sweating the small stuff and really savor these early days, even with the tantrums and my feelings of inadequacy. 

And really, despite this first little bit of goo we’re wading in, she’s still awesome. As I’ve found to be true, kids really are mostly the absolute best but kind of the worst all at the same time. She is curious, smart, strong, brave, and laughs at the smallest things. Ultimately I’m encouraged and delighted by her spirit and spunk, and her laughter is everything. I love her so much it hurts. I'm glad she's super little, because if she were older and more aware, she would definitely be a bit weirded out by how much time I spend staring at her with a smile on my face as I soak her in.

In conclusion, parenting is complicated. I knew that going into it, but I didn’t know the extent of it or how I would feel in the midst of it. My prayer is that I can provide a safe space for her to grow, and that I can stop freaking worrying so much about whether or not she likes me.