Whiney "I'm Old" Post
Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m turning 37. I’ve always had a fragile relationship with my 30’s but it has definitely improved the further I’ve gotten into it. I’ve learned my 30’s are refreshing because I feel more grounded and more comfortable with who I am. I’m less apologetic and also more empathetic toward others. I’m established and growing roots and most days I find myself feeling so freaking happy in my life. That is a very, very good place to be.
However, I’m struggling with the idea of now entering my “late 30’s”. I don’t know why this is a recurring theme for me; I remember having these same panicked thoughts about turning 27. If I had to guess the reason I would say it’s our lack of children and that birthdays are a reminder how far away we keep getting from the plan in this area.
I always expected to be a mom by at least the age of 28. Deep down I continuously find myself white-knuckling that plan and I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that it has long flown out the window. The thought of starting my mom journey at 40 freaks me out (I know I’m not 40 yet but if you are into rounding, 37 is the point at which you round UP). That is not what I signed up for; it doesn’t sound glamorous or even fine to me. I’m supposed to have at least one 12 year old by the time I’m 40, not a baby. My pep talks during this long wait have included reminding myself that God’s plan is far greater than my own and when it’s revealed it’s going to blow our minds with how great it is. But as each year passes, I’m finding that harder and harder to truly believe. It often feels like God has forgotten us, even though I know that’s not true.
I know I tend toward the ‘glass is half empty’ but... it seems like everyone else thinks we’re approved to adopt and “it’s going to happen”. Inside my brain, however, we’re approved to adopt and “it could never happen”. Nothing is guaranteed and I don’t even have a time frame in which to sit while I wait. It could be tomorrow, it could be 15 years from now, it could be never. It's a pretty big, life-altering thing on which to lack clarity. It's not like I'm unsure when someone might treat me to a new pair of shoes from my amazon wishlist.
I feel very left out of the plan, which drives me NUTS. I may often come off as chill, but I can assure you I’m not. I am not a go-with-the-flow type of person. My perceived ‘chill’ comes from my avoid-conflict-at-all-costs personality, it’s not true chill. I’m a planner, I have expectations, I value follow through, I like to be prepared, and I like timelines.
In conclusion, my life has not necessarily gone to plan. But, in every other area it has FAR surpassed my wildest dreams. SO, I’ll continue to work hard to remain hopeful that the same will be true for the kid area of our lives as well. Do I sound like a broken record this year?
P.S. My intent is not to be all ‘woe is me’ and I’m not looking for sympathy. I just needed to work through some thoughts so I can move into my birthday tomorrow in a more accepting and joyful headspace. Here’s to my late 30’s and God’s great plan. Huzzah!
However, I’m struggling with the idea of now entering my “late 30’s”. I don’t know why this is a recurring theme for me; I remember having these same panicked thoughts about turning 27. If I had to guess the reason I would say it’s our lack of children and that birthdays are a reminder how far away we keep getting from the plan in this area.
I always expected to be a mom by at least the age of 28. Deep down I continuously find myself white-knuckling that plan and I can’t seem to come to terms with the fact that it has long flown out the window. The thought of starting my mom journey at 40 freaks me out (I know I’m not 40 yet but if you are into rounding, 37 is the point at which you round UP). That is not what I signed up for; it doesn’t sound glamorous or even fine to me. I’m supposed to have at least one 12 year old by the time I’m 40, not a baby. My pep talks during this long wait have included reminding myself that God’s plan is far greater than my own and when it’s revealed it’s going to blow our minds with how great it is. But as each year passes, I’m finding that harder and harder to truly believe. It often feels like God has forgotten us, even though I know that’s not true.
I know I tend toward the ‘glass is half empty’ but... it seems like everyone else thinks we’re approved to adopt and “it’s going to happen”. Inside my brain, however, we’re approved to adopt and “it could never happen”. Nothing is guaranteed and I don’t even have a time frame in which to sit while I wait. It could be tomorrow, it could be 15 years from now, it could be never. It's a pretty big, life-altering thing on which to lack clarity. It's not like I'm unsure when someone might treat me to a new pair of shoes from my amazon wishlist.
I feel very left out of the plan, which drives me NUTS. I may often come off as chill, but I can assure you I’m not. I am not a go-with-the-flow type of person. My perceived ‘chill’ comes from my avoid-conflict-at-all-costs personality, it’s not true chill. I’m a planner, I have expectations, I value follow through, I like to be prepared, and I like timelines.
In conclusion, my life has not necessarily gone to plan. But, in every other area it has FAR surpassed my wildest dreams. SO, I’ll continue to work hard to remain hopeful that the same will be true for the kid area of our lives as well. Do I sound like a broken record this year?
P.S. My intent is not to be all ‘woe is me’ and I’m not looking for sympathy. I just needed to work through some thoughts so I can move into my birthday tomorrow in a more accepting and joyful headspace. Here’s to my late 30’s and God’s great plan. Huzzah!
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| Just for kicks- here's me on my 27th birthday, when I was internally freaking out about entering my late 20's. It was also similar to this year in that my birthday fell right around Easter, hence the peeps. Yes, my cat is wearing a tie, and she's still my BFF. |
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