Our Adoption FAQ's
We're official! (again) We found out this week that we've officially been approved by our new adoption agency! This is very exciting news for us and we feel really confident we're on the verge of meeting our child.
We've found that adoption is a subject that people are curious about but feel uncomfortable asking about. We love talking about it so we thought a FAQ might prove helpful.
Why are we adopting?
What it boils down to is: we have always wanted children! We know that's not what you mean, though. Technically speaking, we struggle from infertility. In our case that means after 8 years we have not once ever gotten pregnant. All the tests have been run on both of us and not one thing was found so we have no scientific explanation for why we can't get pregnant. The closest thing to a reason we've ever gotten was, "Your body chemistry must not be a match and if you were with other people you probably wouldn't have any issues". Our belief is that it's really because adoption is God's plan for us and He knows best.
Note: Please don't tell us we'll get pregnant once we adopt. Adoption is not the remedy for infertility, nor is adoption the less-than option.
What kind of adoption are we doing?
We started with private, then we opened it to foster to adopt, and now we're pursuing open, domestic, infant adoption. If you can tell, it's been a long, windy road to get to where we are today. You can read all about it if you click on the 'adoption' label in the upper left of my blog.
What does open, domestic, infant adoption mean?
Open: we hope to have a relationship with the birth mother/family. This could involve sharing regular pictures, inviting them for birthdays/milestones, random scheduled visits, or any combination. There is nothing legal about open adoption, it's an agreement between us and the birth mother and it can change or look different throughout the child's life. The birth mother also has to agree. If the birth mother does not want an open adoption, then we won't have contact with her. We've done enough research to know open adoption is the healthiest thing for our child, so that is our hope.
Domestic: we will be adopting from the United States, most likely Colorado. Occasionally the agency may get birth mothers from other states, in which case we could have an interstate adoption.
Infant: we will be adopting a baby, most likely we'll be taking them home straight from the hospital.
You're approved, now what?
We wait to see God work. We will have a profile on the agency website available for anyone to see and we will also create a profile book for the case workers to show to expectant birth mothers. We will begin to receive profile notifications from the agency with information about the expectant mother's situation and then we can decide if we want the caseworker to show her our book. If the expectant mother's situation could potentially create some side-effects we don't feel equipped to handle, we can choose not to have our book shown.
If an expectant birth mother sees our online profile/book and wants to learn more about us, we meet with her at a restaurant with our social worker for an informal interview to get to know each other and see if it's a good fit. She may go out to eat with multiple couples. If she picks us, it's called a match and we continue to get to know each other until the baby is born.
Does open adoption mean you will co-parent with the birth mother?
No. The birth mother legally terminates her parental rights as part of the adoption process. The social workers counsel the birth mothers that they will no longer have parental rights even though they are involved in the child's life.
Once you take the baby home, are they legally your child?
No. It usually takes at least 7 days after birth for the termination of parental rights to take place. That means these adoptions are all high-risk and the birth mother could still change her mind after the baby is born. Once the birth mother (and father, if they can find him) sign the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) she will not be able to change her mind but the child will not legally be our child for another 6 months. During that time, we are the baby's caregivers, we focus on bonding with the baby, and have frequent post-placement visits with our social worker. After 6 months we go to the Douglas County Courthouse and, in a roughly 7-minute ceremony, the judge makes it legal and we throw a party!!
Do you get to name the baby?
Yes. Sometimes the birth mother and the adoptive parents collaborate on the name(s) but ultimately we choose the name for the birth certificate.
Are you hoping to adopt a specific race or gender?
No. We've not specified either. Our goal is to adopt the child God choses for us.
When will you tell your child they are adopted?
From the minute they are first put into our arms. Adoption is part of their story and we don't ever want to make them feel ashamed of it or like it's a taboo subject that we're not supposed to talk about. However, we will be respectful of our child's story and leave it up to them to share with others what they feel comfortable sharing. Please respect this and understand we may not always give you information if you ask us a question about the child's birth family.
Are there any words/phrases I should avoid when talking about adoption?
Excellent question! We are living in a very politically correct world and we realize everyone is telling you what you can/cannot say these days, but adoption comes from a hard place on all sides so it can be a bit of a sensitive topic. We know you mean well, but these phrases really can prove harmful. If you would prefer to watch a video on this topic, this one covers it.
Phrases to avoid if you don't want to be 'that guy':
How many children do you plan to adopt?
We plan to adopt at least 2 children. Since adoption can take years (and we aren't getting any younger) we plan to start the process for the second child as soon as we feel we are able after we meet our firstborn.
How can I help?
This is a very kind question and we really appreciate all the support we've received from everyone. We covet your prayers! There's a lot that is out of our control, but God is bigger than it all and we know He has a plan. Our prayer is for His will to be done, for the health of the baby/birth mother, and for our ability to have wisdom and discernment as we walk this unique path. We can't thank our prayer warriors enough!!
If you would like to help in a more tangible way, we do have a GoFundMe account, but please don't feel obligated. We would feel honored to have you as a partner in this journey in either capacity!
Another way you can help is to keep us in mind if you hear of anyone who might be considering placing their child for adoption!
That concludes this FAQ. If we missed a question, it's not because we don't want to talk about it. Sometimes we forget that people don't know everything we do and we probably just don't realize we missed one, so feel free to ask!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. You're the best!
We've found that adoption is a subject that people are curious about but feel uncomfortable asking about. We love talking about it so we thought a FAQ might prove helpful.
Welcome to the Adoption Corner with Jaime and Brian
Why are we adopting?
What it boils down to is: we have always wanted children! We know that's not what you mean, though. Technically speaking, we struggle from infertility. In our case that means after 8 years we have not once ever gotten pregnant. All the tests have been run on both of us and not one thing was found so we have no scientific explanation for why we can't get pregnant. The closest thing to a reason we've ever gotten was, "Your body chemistry must not be a match and if you were with other people you probably wouldn't have any issues". Our belief is that it's really because adoption is God's plan for us and He knows best.
Note: Please don't tell us we'll get pregnant once we adopt. Adoption is not the remedy for infertility, nor is adoption the less-than option.
What kind of adoption are we doing?
We started with private, then we opened it to foster to adopt, and now we're pursuing open, domestic, infant adoption. If you can tell, it's been a long, windy road to get to where we are today. You can read all about it if you click on the 'adoption' label in the upper left of my blog.
What does open, domestic, infant adoption mean?
Open: we hope to have a relationship with the birth mother/family. This could involve sharing regular pictures, inviting them for birthdays/milestones, random scheduled visits, or any combination. There is nothing legal about open adoption, it's an agreement between us and the birth mother and it can change or look different throughout the child's life. The birth mother also has to agree. If the birth mother does not want an open adoption, then we won't have contact with her. We've done enough research to know open adoption is the healthiest thing for our child, so that is our hope.
Domestic: we will be adopting from the United States, most likely Colorado. Occasionally the agency may get birth mothers from other states, in which case we could have an interstate adoption.
Infant: we will be adopting a baby, most likely we'll be taking them home straight from the hospital.
You're approved, now what?
We wait to see God work. We will have a profile on the agency website available for anyone to see and we will also create a profile book for the case workers to show to expectant birth mothers. We will begin to receive profile notifications from the agency with information about the expectant mother's situation and then we can decide if we want the caseworker to show her our book. If the expectant mother's situation could potentially create some side-effects we don't feel equipped to handle, we can choose not to have our book shown.
If an expectant birth mother sees our online profile/book and wants to learn more about us, we meet with her at a restaurant with our social worker for an informal interview to get to know each other and see if it's a good fit. She may go out to eat with multiple couples. If she picks us, it's called a match and we continue to get to know each other until the baby is born.
Does open adoption mean you will co-parent with the birth mother?
No. The birth mother legally terminates her parental rights as part of the adoption process. The social workers counsel the birth mothers that they will no longer have parental rights even though they are involved in the child's life.
Once you take the baby home, are they legally your child?
No. It usually takes at least 7 days after birth for the termination of parental rights to take place. That means these adoptions are all high-risk and the birth mother could still change her mind after the baby is born. Once the birth mother (and father, if they can find him) sign the TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) she will not be able to change her mind but the child will not legally be our child for another 6 months. During that time, we are the baby's caregivers, we focus on bonding with the baby, and have frequent post-placement visits with our social worker. After 6 months we go to the Douglas County Courthouse and, in a roughly 7-minute ceremony, the judge makes it legal and we throw a party!!
Do you get to name the baby?
Yes. Sometimes the birth mother and the adoptive parents collaborate on the name(s) but ultimately we choose the name for the birth certificate.
Are you hoping to adopt a specific race or gender?
No. We've not specified either. Our goal is to adopt the child God choses for us.
When will you tell your child they are adopted?
From the minute they are first put into our arms. Adoption is part of their story and we don't ever want to make them feel ashamed of it or like it's a taboo subject that we're not supposed to talk about. However, we will be respectful of our child's story and leave it up to them to share with others what they feel comfortable sharing. Please respect this and understand we may not always give you information if you ask us a question about the child's birth family.
Are there any words/phrases I should avoid when talking about adoption?
Excellent question! We are living in a very politically correct world and we realize everyone is telling you what you can/cannot say these days, but adoption comes from a hard place on all sides so it can be a bit of a sensitive topic. We know you mean well, but these phrases really can prove harmful. If you would prefer to watch a video on this topic, this one covers it.
Phrases to avoid if you don't want to be 'that guy':
- "Real mother/real father," for example: Do you know the real mother? The adoptive mother (me) is very much real. She's standing right in front of you. You are referring to the "birth mother".
- "Where did you get him/her? Instead say, "Do you mind if I ask you about your adoption story?"
- "How much did he/she cost?" We are not buying a baby. The adoption process involves the work of social workers, state fees, court fees, counseling, training, etc. That is what the money covers and why it's so expensive.
- "Gave the baby up for adoption" Out of respect for the birth mother and the child, please avoid the term 'gave up'. The birth mother did not give the baby up. She placed the baby in an adoptive home to give her baby life. The baby was not a mistake or a burden that the mother discarded. If I put myself in her shoes, I find that helps me be kinder in my vernacular.
- "Why did the mom give her/him up?" Firstly, she did not give the baby up as explained above; secondly, that might not be our story to share. Please understand that you may never know the whole story.
How many children do you plan to adopt?
We plan to adopt at least 2 children. Since adoption can take years (and we aren't getting any younger) we plan to start the process for the second child as soon as we feel we are able after we meet our firstborn.
How can I help?
This is a very kind question and we really appreciate all the support we've received from everyone. We covet your prayers! There's a lot that is out of our control, but God is bigger than it all and we know He has a plan. Our prayer is for His will to be done, for the health of the baby/birth mother, and for our ability to have wisdom and discernment as we walk this unique path. We can't thank our prayer warriors enough!!
If you would like to help in a more tangible way, we do have a GoFundMe account, but please don't feel obligated. We would feel honored to have you as a partner in this journey in either capacity!
Another way you can help is to keep us in mind if you hear of anyone who might be considering placing their child for adoption!
That concludes this FAQ. If we missed a question, it's not because we don't want to talk about it. Sometimes we forget that people don't know everything we do and we probably just don't realize we missed one, so feel free to ask!
Thanks for taking the time to read this. You're the best!
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