We've Got Some Catching Up To Do
Gosh, I feel like I just got back from Scotland but here it is already mid-September. Yikes.
I appears Scotland satiated my summer hiking needs, because I haven't really done much since. We did try a new form of hike where we picked a short, easy hike that promised a meadow. We stopped in said meadow, brought books, blankets, and whiskey and just enjoyed being outside. I haven't done that kind of a hike since probably high school (sans the whiskey). Ever since my hiking has become more extreme, it has become more about how far you can go and how many vast vistas with which you can tickle your eyes and I never consider bringing a book. It was very pleasant and something I hope to incorporate more into my hiking plans. That relaxing hike was in celebration of our 12th wedding anniversary in July. Sometimes it's crazy to think I've been in close contact with Brian for 14 years now when it feels like yesterday that he awkwardly asked me out and I awkwardly wasn't sure if I wanted to date him.
My BFF and her family came to visit for the 4th of July. I love them so, so much. We spent some great time outside, talking about life. I don't know what more to say about it. They are my people and I couldn't do life without them.
We took a quick trip to Washington in mid-July to attend a cousin's wedding and to spend time with the Washington family at Crescent Bar. A good time was had by all, but man was it hot. My dermatologist had me start a new face cream right before we left and the heat made it feel like my face was on fire. I kept discretely touching it to make sure it was still there, all whilst waiting for some kid to point and ask his mom why that lady's face is melting off.
In other news, we decided to part ways with our adoption agency and began the search for a new agency that specializes in domestic infant adoption. I have not written very much about our experience since we decided to open ourselves up to foster-to-adopt and I think that's primarily because I feel guilty and like a failure. We received many opportunities to take in children who were likely to become available to adopt, but each time we felt saying no was best for all involved. All of it felt like more than we could handle and each time I said no, I wanted to put a bag over my head in shame. People keep telling me we did the right thing and that we will know when it's right, I can only hope that's true.
I didn't take those decisions lightly and I really tried to find it in my heart to say yes, but I couldn't do it. My ignorance and inadequacies felt like they would be more of a disservice to the children than anything else. Is there a chance I can handle more than I think I can? Of course. And that's what makes me feel the most shame about it all...but I have to trust that God would have stirred my heart if it was the right situation. The last child we were contacted about was the first baby that had ever became available. She was a little baby girl who was born at 22 weeks. She tested positive for meth and had a whole laundry list of other medical issues and I just couldn't say yes. I couldn't show up for her. All of the previous children were older and I think in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I would say yes if it was a baby. But then this sweet little baby came along and I still couldn't say yes. It was at that point that we had a real heart-to-heart about everything and we decided we are not ready for foster-to-adopt. I remember all of the children to which we said no. I'm sorry I couldn't be Christ to them. I couldn't let go of my inhibitions enough to help them and I don't know what more to say about it at this point in the journey. I can't truly justify it or feel happy about it. Maybe I did disappoint God, but I have to hope that God was listening to my prayers, that he remains merciful, and that he will reveal his plan to us in time. This journey has made Ephesians 1 so much more powerful. We've all been adopted as God's children, without hesitation, including all of our failures, faults, diseases, and sins. Having been asked to do the same for those children, and failing, makes me realize all the more how freaking incredible God's love is.
So, our journey continues. We've found an agency to partner with and have begun the process to become an approved family in their waiting pool. Fun fact: nothing transfers in the adoption world from one agency to another. Translation: we have to start over from square one as if the first one didn't exist. It took us a year to get through the approval process the first go-around and I really hope it doesn't take that long again. Silver lining: I am less intimidated so it feels a lot less daunting. It is also nice to feel hopeful again; but I find that hope always comes when I feel like I am gaining a small sense of control back in a very uncontrollable situation. I have endless lists of things to do and paperwork to complete, and that makes me feel like I'm actively in control of something with little room for soul-crushing disappointment.
Closing thoughts: It's hard not to regret my decision to go with the other agency without doing more research all those years ago, but all I can do now is learn from it and move forward. If you want my 2 cents: Don't let the sticker shock of adoption agencies scare you. The cost is for a reason and covers a ton of services and assistance (you are not buying a baby). At the risk of sounding brash, 'you get what you pay for'. I have nothing against our first agency, but we went with them because they were the most affordable one I could find and I felt like we were on our own for a lot of it, with little guidance. I'm blown away with the services and assistance we've received already with this new agency. They are so on top of things and organized, it makes my type-A heart sing. LA-LA-LA
Whelp, here we go again!
I appears Scotland satiated my summer hiking needs, because I haven't really done much since. We did try a new form of hike where we picked a short, easy hike that promised a meadow. We stopped in said meadow, brought books, blankets, and whiskey and just enjoyed being outside. I haven't done that kind of a hike since probably high school (sans the whiskey). Ever since my hiking has become more extreme, it has become more about how far you can go and how many vast vistas with which you can tickle your eyes and I never consider bringing a book. It was very pleasant and something I hope to incorporate more into my hiking plans. That relaxing hike was in celebration of our 12th wedding anniversary in July. Sometimes it's crazy to think I've been in close contact with Brian for 14 years now when it feels like yesterday that he awkwardly asked me out and I awkwardly wasn't sure if I wanted to date him.
 |
| Anniversary dinner picture. |
 |
| Hike, Whiskey, Rain |
My BFF and her family came to visit for the 4th of July. I love them so, so much. We spent some great time outside, talking about life. I don't know what more to say about it. They are my people and I couldn't do life without them.
 |
| BFF's for over 20 years now |
We took a quick trip to Washington in mid-July to attend a cousin's wedding and to spend time with the Washington family at Crescent Bar. A good time was had by all, but man was it hot. My dermatologist had me start a new face cream right before we left and the heat made it feel like my face was on fire. I kept discretely touching it to make sure it was still there, all whilst waiting for some kid to point and ask his mom why that lady's face is melting off.
 |
| The WA Family |
 |
| Wedding selfie |
In other news, we decided to part ways with our adoption agency and began the search for a new agency that specializes in domestic infant adoption. I have not written very much about our experience since we decided to open ourselves up to foster-to-adopt and I think that's primarily because I feel guilty and like a failure. We received many opportunities to take in children who were likely to become available to adopt, but each time we felt saying no was best for all involved. All of it felt like more than we could handle and each time I said no, I wanted to put a bag over my head in shame. People keep telling me we did the right thing and that we will know when it's right, I can only hope that's true.
I didn't take those decisions lightly and I really tried to find it in my heart to say yes, but I couldn't do it. My ignorance and inadequacies felt like they would be more of a disservice to the children than anything else. Is there a chance I can handle more than I think I can? Of course. And that's what makes me feel the most shame about it all...but I have to trust that God would have stirred my heart if it was the right situation. The last child we were contacted about was the first baby that had ever became available. She was a little baby girl who was born at 22 weeks. She tested positive for meth and had a whole laundry list of other medical issues and I just couldn't say yes. I couldn't show up for her. All of the previous children were older and I think in the back of my mind I kept telling myself that I would say yes if it was a baby. But then this sweet little baby came along and I still couldn't say yes. It was at that point that we had a real heart-to-heart about everything and we decided we are not ready for foster-to-adopt. I remember all of the children to which we said no. I'm sorry I couldn't be Christ to them. I couldn't let go of my inhibitions enough to help them and I don't know what more to say about it at this point in the journey. I can't truly justify it or feel happy about it. Maybe I did disappoint God, but I have to hope that God was listening to my prayers, that he remains merciful, and that he will reveal his plan to us in time. This journey has made Ephesians 1 so much more powerful. We've all been adopted as God's children, without hesitation, including all of our failures, faults, diseases, and sins. Having been asked to do the same for those children, and failing, makes me realize all the more how freaking incredible God's love is.
So, our journey continues. We've found an agency to partner with and have begun the process to become an approved family in their waiting pool. Fun fact: nothing transfers in the adoption world from one agency to another. Translation: we have to start over from square one as if the first one didn't exist. It took us a year to get through the approval process the first go-around and I really hope it doesn't take that long again. Silver lining: I am less intimidated so it feels a lot less daunting. It is also nice to feel hopeful again; but I find that hope always comes when I feel like I am gaining a small sense of control back in a very uncontrollable situation. I have endless lists of things to do and paperwork to complete, and that makes me feel like I'm actively in control of something with little room for soul-crushing disappointment.
Closing thoughts: It's hard not to regret my decision to go with the other agency without doing more research all those years ago, but all I can do now is learn from it and move forward. If you want my 2 cents: Don't let the sticker shock of adoption agencies scare you. The cost is for a reason and covers a ton of services and assistance (you are not buying a baby). At the risk of sounding brash, 'you get what you pay for'. I have nothing against our first agency, but we went with them because they were the most affordable one I could find and I felt like we were on our own for a lot of it, with little guidance. I'm blown away with the services and assistance we've received already with this new agency. They are so on top of things and organized, it makes my type-A heart sing. LA-LA-LA
Whelp, here we go again!
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