The Road Less-Traveled

We've decided to open our adoption to include foster-to-adopt. This means we could get a call any minute asking us to foster a child. Our adoption specialist said the State won't terminate parental rights (TPR, i.e. the child won't be able to be adopted) until a permanent home has been established. This is definitely a riskier route to go because there's always a chance that the TPR won't happen, but our contact processed around 40 adoptions through foster care last year and she assured us her job is to assess the risk for us when we take in a child.

I kind of always knew deep down that God was probably wanting us to pursue becoming a foster family but I was freaked out and not ready to comprehend it. Maybe the year of silence in private adoption was his way of preparing me.  Or maybe this is just me being impatient, trying to regain some control Iike I tend to do. "Fine, you won't give us a child through private adoption, then we'll try this". I'll probably never know for sure but I like to think God is involved.

Shortly after we told our adoption specialist we were willing to go this route, we got a call asking us to foster two children, 1 and 2 years old, siblings. Nothing like that first call to make you realize all the things you hadn't thought through and all the questions you have. We had to decline and experience the first bout of real guilt. I suppose technically we could've helped and figured things out as we went, but we had to think big picture and we clearly knew we weren't going to be able to provide the care they need right now, at least not in a way that anyone would feel good about. Since the call, we have met with HR to discuss what our options are for taking time off in the event of welcoming a child into our home with little notice, and we have scheduled a meeting with our adoption specialist to ask our questions. I have also been researching books on fostering and reading all I can. Yes, we went through foster training as part of our approval process but I didn't internalize many things specific to fostering because I kept telling myself we wouldn't have to deal with those scary things in order to cope with what I was hearing.  I think that call was purposefully and obviously not the right fit for us so we knew we had to say no, but it was God's way of getting us into gear. Everything felt so abstract and fuzzy until we got that call.

All of it terrifies me. The more I read the more terrified I get. None of it computes. None of it. I can't do this. I also can't not do this. It's awful and exciting, but I personally think God is nuts. Why is he making me do this? Why do I have to go down this path? We are hardly ever around children, it feels like we are the LEAST equipped people in the world to take in children who have already experienced such unthinkable circumstances. I would barely know how to take care of a child brought into the world in nurturing and loving environments. Friends try to comfort my fears by telling me that we're smart and have common sense, or that all these children need is love and stability. But this is not common. The things these children have seen and experienced are nowhere near common, and are definitely not anything I have ever seen or been exposed to. Common sense does not apply and they will need extraordinary love and extraordinary support. Extra. Ordinary. I read in order to prepare but I can't retain it all and how can I prepare when each child is so different and I have no idea for what to prepare? I'm overwhelmed and painfully frustrated by my unpreparedness and my seeming inability to prepare.

Right now the most challenging part of beginning this journey is that we can always say no. We could say no to every call we get asking if we can take in a child. We'll never feel completely ready and at some point we'll just have to dive into the abyss and take the leap of faith. But we have to make that hard choice. We have to intentionally choose yes. Possibly many times if we take in children that can never be adopted. I now find myself jealous of pregnant women, not because they were able to conceive, but because they don't have a choice. Once the baby is born, they have to begin; and they roughly know when it will happen. How am I supposed to know when it's the right time? What if I say no too many times and miss out on the child God has chosen for us?

I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do to thwart God's plan. If he wants something to happen, I can't stop it. I got a glimpse of this when I first started to get to know my husband. I wasn't interested in him at all even though I had agreed to go on a date with him. I was weeks away from graduating and moving back to Colorado. Then one night I was skateboarding (with a skateboard I had borrowed from him); I literally felt like someone shoved me off of it and I broke my ankle. It was such a strong force that knocked me off, I can't explain it. I wasn't going fast or doing anything crazy, I was just putzing along, timidly. My future husband felt terrible that this happened on his skateboard, he took care of me and I fell in love with him.

I have to trust that God will give me the guts to say yes when it is time. He pushed me off of a skateboard when I was about to miss out on my husband, he can push me off of this cliff into parenting when he needs to. Right?

I would love your prayers; I feel we need all the help we can get. If you know anyone who has been part of a foster family, we would love to be connected with them (if they are willing) so they can help shed some light on this and share some tips. Everything I read says to find a support group but I haven't been able to find anything yet in our area.  

In conclusion, I feel like the horse in Beauty and the Beast when Maurice gets to the fork in the road and chooses the scary, dark path instead of the nice, sunny path with chirping birds. The path that leads to the Beast's castle, where Belle saves the Beast's life. How's that for philosophical analogies?

Thanks so much for listening. Here we go...

photo cred