New Year, Old Year

2015 is over? I kind of feel like my brain is still processing October.

I jumped on the bandwagon with the #2015bestnine Instagram trend on New Year's Eve and was reminded that 2015 was a pretty epic year, at least from my perspective. I feel like I should give myself a pat on the back for being fairly awesome at my life for a year. Perhaps that's why I've consistently felt mentally behind whatever the present moment is. Pushing oneself to do a lot of awesome things can really screw with your sense of time; especially if you are someone like me, who tends to rely a lot on 'me' time (Netflix) and in general, not being busy. In the grand scheme, I suppose it doesn't really matter that one year has ended and another has begun, but the trusty calendar year does help compartmentalize your days and makes for a good time to reflect and ponder.

2015 Proud Moments:

• When we started 2015, I had a to-do list that felt completely and utterly impossible for me to complete. On November 3rd I checked off the last item and we were submitted to the State as licensed to adopt. Checking off that last item was an incredibly proud and fulfilling moment. Also, after we submitted our application file, the agency called to schedule our training and she said, "I can tell by the thoroughness of your application that you don't want to waste any time". I am proud of my ability to follow directions and fill out (intimidating) forms. Thank you, lady, for noticing. 
• I had my eye on a different position within my department that I knew was going to become available but when I got my hands on the job description, I suddenly felt completely unqualified. However, I listened to my gut & my husband, applied, and got the job. I'm now in a beautiful office with floor-to-ceiling windows and exposed brick, doing a job I feel was practically custom made for me and my gifts.
• We celebrated our 10-year Wedding Anniversary! I didn't have any doubts about reaching this milestone but it still feels good to reach the double-digits. Plus, we celebrated with a trip to Mexico, which was a more adventurous step for me. I'm not usually inclined to do beach vacations and I'm terrible about letting go and just relaxing whilst on vacation. I was pretty constantly aware of what time it was and knew when the gong was about to ring for the next meal. I got many an eye-roll from Brian when I would tell him he had 7 minutes until the gong would ring and that he should get his flip flops on and go to the bathroom (that sounds so incredibly dumb now that I'm writing it, but I really hate being late to things!) I did fall asleep on my beach lounger one day and I felt pretty tickled about that.
• I hiked more miles in 2015 than probably any other year of my life. Hiking is my favorite but getting up early is not, so I'm proud of how often I got my butt out the door early enough to see the best scenery ever to grace my eyeballs. Plus, our 4-day backpacking trip. If you read my post about it, you were reminded what a worrywart-nutcase I can be, so I feel very proud of the accomplishment. I was also very surprised and proud of how well my body handled the elevation map of that loop while carrying the added weight. 
• My mantra for 2015 was 'expect miracles'. I repeated it often to myself, especially throughout the adoption approval process and as I watched too many friends fight (and so far beat!!) cancer. It reminded me to put those frustrating I'm-not-in-control moments into God's hands. That mind-set trickled into other areas of my life and I noticed myself feeling more calm about things that normally would have me worrying and running all possible 'what-if' scenarios in my head. I was still nervous about a lot of things but I often found myself surprised at how relaxed my inner-monologue was during situations that would usually send my thoughts into a may-day, may-day we're going down, we're doomed! spiral. In retrospect, I can see that I am starting to feel okay with not being in control. I am learning to actually trust that God's got my best interests in mind and have found it to be blissfully freeing.

2016 Hopes:

• Since my brain is still stuck in October, I haven't thought much about my mantra for 2016. I feel like I thought of something yesterday but I've already forgotten it. Let's hope that isn't an indication for how this year is going to be.
• My brother and his wife are due to have their first baby in May; the first baby for my immediate family! I hope for health and joy for them and I hope to be a good Auntie!
• I hope the birth mother of our kid(s) miraculously finds our agency and picks our portfolio this year, but mostly my hope is to be okay with not being in control of the timeline and to focus my energy on my actual life instead of what might be; trusting God and not worrying about it.
• I had an ultrasound and biopsy done on my thyroid. The ultrasound confirmed that my thyroid is enlarged but the biopsy came back inconclusive. They were not able to determine there is cancer, nor were they able to rule it out. Obviously I looked up what happens when your results are inconclusive and read that they typically just remove your thyroid completely in order to run more tests and only 20-30% of the time do they find that people actually did have cancer. How frustrating is that?! That means 70-80% of people who have their inconclusive thyroid removed didn't actually need to. How is that a thing in this day and age? I had a grumpy afternoon after reading that but now I'm practicing what I learned in 2015 and I'm expecting miracles whilst not freaking out. I have an appointment with a specialist so I'm just going to see what he says and go from there. My hope is that I will not have unnecessary surgery to remove a vital organ for no reason.
• Oh hey, good news. I remember the mantra I came up with. It's piggy-backing off of what I learned last year and it is "You are not in charge". I say that to Cotton all the time (she's a bossy little beast). I said it to her yesterday in response to her incessant barking because I wouldn't give her a treat and it occurred to me that while it's not deep or mind-blowing, that sentiment applies nicely for where I am in my life. If Cotton and I were in charge, we'd get treats every morning, dinner at 4:30, my thyroid nodules would magically disappear, and a birth mom would choose us tomorrow. I guess Cotton and I will start a support group where we can whine about how frustrating it is to not be in charge and then move on.  

So there it is. Another year gone, a new adventure begins. I wish you all the loveliest of New Years, full of lots and lots of different days. 

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to use The Bachelor as a crutch to get me through a dark & cold January. #notashamed #youknowyouwanttojoinme