2014 Probably Sounded Totally Space-agey in the 1980's

Happy New Year!

The days after the holidays are always a trying time for me. How about you?

The hype of Christmas is over, I don’t have another paid holiday at work until Memorial Day, the days never seem to get over 35 degrees, we still have the snow on the ground that fell at the end of November, I wake up in the dark so grumpy I want to kill something, and I’m depressed about all the holiday weight I've gained, coupled with my lack of motivation to get back on track.

I looked up ways to beat the winter blues and unfortunately most articles say to exercise and eat right. I was kind of hoping the experts would tell me to eat a lot and indulge in retail therapy…Humph.

I do know it’s helpful for me to find things to look forward to. The Justin Timberlake concert definitely fits the bill, so today I made a little count down of “Days Until Justin Timberlake” and that did cheer me up a bit. After the concert, I’ll have to get creative until March when things usually start to look up for me with the first glimpses of spring.

Our holidays were nice and low-key. We didn't travel for the first time in 8 years for any of them. I learned that I eat a little less and drink a lot less calories when I stay home. I started off the holidays with a bang by getting the flu; and by flu I mean FLU. The worst of it was just 2-3 days but the symptoms really gave it all they had for that period. I don’t know that I've ever been too sick to eat or watch TV and I've never before felt like every single bone in my body was going to break. The silver lining was that I lost the pounds I gained at Thanksgiving so I started off Christmas with a slight advantage.

Because it was just the two of us, we actually bought each other gifts this year. We stopped doing that about 4 years ago when we would either spend our money to travel or we would buy ourselves something for the house, so it was fun to buy each other things again. I kind of felt nervous like I did when I would buy him gifts when we were dating. I won’t even talk about New Years because we were LAME and watching TV until midnight isn't really worth expanding on.

In other personal details that you may or may not find interesting, we've talked a lot about really focusing on adoption this year. I showed Brian the website I found for our county and the number to call to get started. He said, “Should I call on Monday?” and I freaked my freak and have been on the verge of panicked tears ever since. So now my focus is just to live in the moment. I was getting waaaay ahead of myself. I was worrying about daycare and the fact that we have not one single child food item or toy or bed or any freaking clue about raising a child and how we're never around children and I just kept feeling like the doorbell would ring any minute and they would hand me a child and my head would explode and I would die.

Jaime, calm the eff down.

I texted with my best friend one night and she simply said the doorbell ringing and someone handing you a baby would freak anyone out and that she was sure by the end of the process I would feel as prepared as anyone does to have kids. It was a simple statement but it really helped me refocus and realize there’s no way anyone would hand me a child just for calling to say I’m interested. There is a process and I need to trust it. So, I’m better now. Still very freaked out, but coping.

My panic made me reconsider infertility treatments. It seemed like the only way to make the panic go away. In my desperation I thought: Wouldn't it just be easier to pay the money, take the drugs, and hopefully have a biological child and be normal and feel like I know a little bit more about what to expect? To be able to read, “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” like everyone else and feel more prepared?

The more I thought about it, the more wrong it felt. I might be making this up but I just feel that God is telling me we should adopt and I've spent so much time praying for my heart to be open to this idea and so much time praying for the wispy figments of my faceless children, that I just can’t turn back now. I think I would always feel like I chickened out & failed the kids I've been praying for and writing letters to. I need them to want me as much as they need me to want them and I have to fight for them. As the trusty old cliché says, good things are worth fighting for.

I received this book for Christmas. It's a book that has thoughts, crafts, and recipes following the church calendar. In preparation for epiphany I read the author's thoughts and it couldn't have been more in line with what I'm thinking/feeling right now. Here's an excerpt:

Just because I'm older, am I wiser? Am I any less at risk of being duped by my own heart? Am I willing to take the risk that it might not all go as I hope? If things turn out differently from what I expect (as they generally in some way do) and God presents me with a new plan, will I trust his goodness enough to say to him honestly "I don't like the plan" and then adjust and move on and follow his lead? Letting go of what I thought I wanted in order to embrace and love what I have?

If I had to list my resolutions for 2014, they are to trust the process, trust God's plan, stay open to changes, allow myself to grieve the death of my plans, to stay hopeful, and to stay present in each moment- to not waste away in the worry of details I have no control over. To just be still and know that He is God and that He knows me better than anyone else can.

I've experienced God's redemptive history so often, I have to know with all my heart that one day I'll look back on this struggle and know that it was SO totally worth it.